Breathing again....amazing!

At last, my breathing has improved to the point that I can at last return to my sacred woods...what a blissful few hours this afternoon.  Reconnecting with the trees, the stream..noticing the leaves slowly changing colour, plentiful mushrooms and some walnuts as well...Yum!  It seems like weeks since I was able to climb up the hill to them..but the lakes have kept me well  nourished - they are nice and flat!  This morning was amazing..the mist from the lakes was circling around..wonderful.  Will get some photos when the opportunity arises next time.

The Medical Enigma continues as my GP/Consultant research things further..nothing I can do now on that front until my meeting with them next week.    In the meantime, I am more strict on avoiding animal proteins and last night had a wonderful vegan pizza after watching the film Tamara Drew.  Very funny..but the pizza made the evening.

Ok...this is a quick write up... going to crack these nuts, and eat some wonderful food!

Friends, warmth..a hug or two!

Phew...  what a ride that past week has been!    Awaiting a call from my doctors to ascertain what the next step is...but having spent a nurturing weekend with a friend, allowing him to do some odd jobs, listening to each other, sharing stuff..crying gently and having a few hugs, I feel so much more centered today.

My bleed is here and its nicely flowing, I have a client meeting later and I have some sort of  fluid 'plan' about what it is I need to do..or not do about many aspects of 'my' life.....

awwwwwww........I have a plant by my pc and one of its branches hangs over my screen.. a beautiful spider, is delicately crawling across it..its reached the end..and drops down onto my keyboard, then my Ipod, then my phone...  disappearing somewhere over my desk... beautiful!     One step at a time, tackling each seeming obstacle in its path..no worries!

mmmmmmmmmmm!

Vulnerability..surrender....

A while since I last wrote...largely due to just about keeping it together..   My breathing now is very bad..and was awaiting news of whether I could have a ct scan to check out my throat...but the answer was no..a bronchoscopy was the only way.   all my instincts and other people with RP (relapsing polychondritis) are saying dont go there as the test can make things worse..and a ct scan is just as good..  So  a visit to my own GP again who agrees with me and now I await to see what is the next step.. so frustrating.

On the one hand, this is just my body..the vehicle and in truth, 'should' not identify with the weaknesses, aches and pains etc.. but when it comes down to your actual breath...this is so hard to do.  As we need to breathe every second..its not something, I can forget about really..it has an impact of every aspect of my life!

Of course, full moon, equinox, solar flares, my coming bleed all playing their part in this...all good really..but feels like I couldnt really cope with much more..feel very vulnerable.  would love a cuddle!

I have some employment law bits to work on though for next week...so work hanging in there..just!  Theres even potential of an office on the ground floor..or work from home with a new project... so yippee!  Tomorrow I will try to get Milo out (hes been restless bless him being on so many shorter walks)...in to the woods... healing woods...

Last night the sky was amazing.. it was really calm here...beautiful skies.. but everything was eeerily quiet, the birds suddenly stopped their singing..and in the distance, you could see flashes of lightning.. but no sound or any rain..weird.   Its been on the local news today, as so many people thought the same.

So..short and sweet tonight...  going to get some nourishing food and bunker down....

Love..

3am hot drinks...visiting virtual world and rare diseases.

Yet another night of disturbed sleep...woke up struggling for breath again and a really annoying cough..sure next door can hear me so get up for a hot drink..that helps a little..  Its now 4.30am.

Since my last blog entry, I've been in contemplative mood and have gone through many realisations about myself, my relationship with Mother...my birth mother, adoptive mother, absent birth father etc etc....  connections with trauma at early age etc.... all ok and real..recognising that maybe I have some more layers to explore....

On a more physical level though, my breathing issue has become so chronic, I have been re-exploring my medical history and fear that the suspician last year that I might have Relapsing Polychondritis might well be the cause of the breathing stuff.   I shake my head... because in labelling it, even like this, is like establishing it..  Its a terrible disease where the immune system attacks the bodies cartlidge..last year, my ears started having symptoms..but at the same time I had a cancer scare so decided to tackle things with diet... I went vegan. and that seemed to sort everything out..BUT my breathing issues remained... and have gradually got worse and worse.

The consultant last year said to me...you would be so unlucky to have RP, its so rare..I dont think you can have it...  I remember at the time thinking, yeah...well that sounds like me!  But there was no way I would have taken the drugs that people with this are put on.. so I didnt pursue it and went a  different route.

Anyway, having read up on how RP affects the trachea/larynx, I have to say I am displaying classic signs and that is depressing!  There is no cure..and prognosis dire BUT I also know that we create our dis ease..adn I am sure I can reverse this.. it feels like I am getting close to the root cause, adn thats why my breathing is getting so bad... its like its last fight!

I am tired, just sighed heavy and held my head!  NOOOO!  I wont be defeated...  So to be practical I am seeking advice on what medical tests I need from other sufferers and going to go back to 100% veganism..I have no choice.  I already have some 'alternative' tests lined up over the next few weeks and will continue with my usual routines s much as I can...  tai chi, meditation, getting into the woods no matter how hard it is getting to get up the hill! 

If anyone knows of any 'out there' practitioner, healer, therapist, psychic, therapy, diet..whatever, that comes to to you as a possible lead for this, I'd appreciate hearing about it..    So far, the right practitioner has come through at the right time over the last year or so... they all seem to be quirky, different in  some way.. but each has taken me to a new level of understanding of my body, emotional stuff etc...  your bog standard 'therapist' doesnt seem to cut it with me anymore....  

oh joy!    I do love life!  I do want to breathe!   I do want to be here!  I DO!

Despair, Sinking, dark places,...Sleep.........beautiful day today!

Yesterday evening I went into this dark place, revealed a dark side..one that isnt real, one that wishes to hurt, one that wishes to be noticed and soothed...  I was alone, feeling sorry for myself, trying not to anticipate another sleepless night of breathing problems...

I didnt help myself consciously, instead, I had a glass of wine...so the wrong thing to do.. for it only assisted in my spiralling down into more despair and negativity.  A friend skyped me and in the middle of our conversation, I switched the computer..wanting her to worry about what had happened... it felt good but immediately I knew that was so unreal...and felt sick that I could even think/do such a thing..  dark side revealed herself!     I have been stopping myself crying for fear that it would only make my bloodshot eyes and breathing worse.. but this time, i didnt stop it.. I cried and cried, releasing all the 'crap' I'd held in..

I threw the rest of the wine away, switched off the comedy dvd's, that were supposed to be 'cheering me up',  ate something to soak up the alchohol and sat outside under the half moon...then lit the candles on my altar and meditated...became more centred and real with myself.

In preparation for bed, I propped up loads of pillows to enable me to sit up in bed to help my breathing, lit a candle, got a hot water bottle, prepared a hot drink in a flask for the night and decided to take half a sleeping tablet that my doctor gave me last year.  I hate the feeling of 'losing control' when taking such a drug... but I hoped it woudl relax me and my windpipe/lungs enough to enable me to get some sleep...  I drifted off watching the half moon sink out of the window frame.

I awoke in the early hours to Milo howling at the phone ringing..it was a friend, a guy that I have become close to..he was concerned about me..worried that I might choose to stop breathing again.. and die...   We talked for ages, me propped up in bed, I cried some more, released some more stuff, admitting that my  body aches and aches...  He loved me through in his own way...and I fell to sleep gently.

The sunshine through my blind awoke me this morning...everything looks brighter of course.. blue skies..although cold.  I feel like I have been hit by a bus..but at least my eyes have gone back to their clear white..and slowly my body is releasing its tension and coming back to me.   My breathing is still bad, my throat seems so closed...but I know that the last lot of work I;ve done on it went deep.. and it will take gentleness and time to integrate... I dont want it dampened down or calmed.. I need to heal this..whatever it is....

Sleepless Night, Hackers, Calming Wood....Collective Ascension

Well had a very restless night..started off great with a relaxing candlelit bath, lovely music, early to bed..but then woke about 3am as I couldnt breathe again...  so got up for a hot drink and switched on the laptop..  to discover that someone or something has hacked into one of my email accounts and sent spam emails to some of my contacts!  Great!  So spent the next few hours changing all my passwords, writing emails to those effected and virus checking my pc...

So, today, bloodshot eyes, headachey, feel like I have been hit by a bus..  so a restful day for me today.. 

Did venture into the woods with the dogs though..briefly.. lay my spine against one of the straight trees at the entrance and sank in..  felt much better... came home and spent ages under the shower....allowing all 'stuff' to drain away...  bliss!

Was talking to someone I know down in New Zealand where they are experiencing earthquake aftershocks at the moment.. amazing energies abound..shuddering and surrendering each time one occurs...  she noted that the shocks came as it was getting dark..and maybe it was connected to the collective consciousness of people in the area... all linking in to fear.. all facing the dark.. mmmm...

In todays news over in the UK, I noticed that the media are doing a great job stirring up fear amongst the masses by hinting that London is overdue for a major earthquake.... 

How I see it, earth is changing, transforming herself for the new..things will continue to happen now at faster rates...all culminating towards 2011/2012...the cosmic waves coming through will inevitably shift things, maybe in a way that may seem a disaster...BUT its how we view such changes as the key.. if we dont fear...face these changes consciously and know that its all part of a cycle, all for highest good..then we wont see such devestation... we might even collectively ascend!

Thought I would write a quick blog here, just set going my bread machine for the first time that someone has lent me, and have picked some fruit to make some pies at some point....   when I sign off though.. might just go back to bed for a wee while or even curl up in front of a dvd!   ah! either way.. here I come.....

Autumn moves in....saying goodbye to summer..

Not been sleeping well the last few nights..combination of breathing issues, and general energy stuff going on.. but been watching the half moon gently cross the sky.

There is a definate change in temperature now, the winds are cold, no hint of hot weather returning so I guess its almost time to pack away those summer tops and dresses..  this is what I plan to do this weekend, together with my tax return!  oh the joys of single life!  I smile!      Saying goodbye to the summer...its certainly been a hell of a ride once again..

the leaves are still green, the fruit on the tress still ripe for eating but now turning mouldy and shrivelled from all the rain..  mushrooms abound though.. I am loving the fact I can go off into the woods and discover some fresh ones for tea each day... 

This morning, went for some blood tests..my arm is aching now but at least I didnt faint!  my GP had been sent a note re my collapse/crash team incident in hospital a few weeks ago.. so I wasnt allowed to leave their care today, for a good half hour.. to assure them I wouldnt repeat things on them.  funny.. this time, I took my own ginger biscuits with me in case of emergency!

A client came for a treatment who suffers from MSA, which is similar to Parkinsons..  she wont be regular, she is just a visitor on the farm..  but she was so 'into' her disease and how it effects her daily life... the only respite she says she received was when she was asleep..  she was probably 'off-loading' to the 'therapist' here but it was shocking how low she was in energy....  I see that the mental attitude is so important to overcome such conditions...  I must remember that when I start to get down about my breathing stuff..

you know its so quiet here...  all i can here is the tap of the keyboard...and the whirl of the laptop

I have some 'work' to do, some employment law stuff but finding it hard to get the motivation...should try to do some before my next massage client..

Sacred Woods...Cosmic Waves

A friend has been with me for a few days and we have been in the woods by my cottage for some hours.. exploring and connecting with mother..  I attach some more pics of new trees found.. one of which my friend named the 'bliss' tree... its the one where two trees are joined at the trunk as if in divine union, lovemaking...

today, I awoke feeling very toxic and went for a walk with the dogs into the woods..  I shared the Ilahinoor with my friend which seemed to integrate some of the cosmic waves being experienced at this time..my headache lessened and my eyes felt like they had been cleaned!

When I did the movements around my friend, she lay against the trunk of a tree.. and I saw how she merged with the tree trunk..allowing the energies from cosmos to come down through her body into the earth.. amazingly powerful...and potent.

Still no sleep, toxicity, healing crises? cosmic waves?

a funny few days really, been feeling very toxic, headachey, achey joints, lethargic and my breathing has become worse and worse..  last night, slept with numerous pillows propping me up..helped a bit..  Today, felt a bit better, but everytime the sun came out, and I sat in it.. the nausea, headaches returning with a vengeance.  couldnt decide if I was having a healing crises after some treatment earlier in the week,whether it was a virus or just a reaction to something environmental or diet...

I was sent a link today to the eruptions that have taken place on the sun two days ago... apparently, these are the first ones that may be felt by earth..  maybe I have been picking up on these waves.. certainly, feeling that  the energy from the sun is strrong at the moment.

Anyone else feeling these at all?

No sleep, shattered...

My chest has been really bad last night.. felt as if the whole sky was laying on my chest stopping me breathing..

so got up at 4am... had a hot drink and watched the light come through...not the sun come up..its raining..

Festivals, Friends, Fun....

Its been a few days since I last wrote as I've been away visiting friends and attending the Rivenstone Festival..

The Festival was beautiful with some amazing musicians/bands, good food, and beautiful people...  the weekend was a mixture of emotions; with joy and tears - both of sadness, and joy mixed with gratitude at the sheer beauty of the energies, poetry and music being played.

Dartmoor is a special, sacred place..and I am drawn to move down there.  I walked the land and felt so at 'home' amonst the moss, trees..misty landscape.

As I write this the hughest spider has appeared!  I tell you its as big as my hand!  I have grown more accepting of spiders in my space, gently catching them in something and letting them go outside..but they still give me a bit of a scare.   have to go and sort this one out...