Another while since I last blogged...to be honest just getting on with life, new connections and endeavouring to continue to heal. The fatigue has been the main issue over the last few weeks...I never really appreciated what fatigue felt like before.... ugh!
Last week as part of a ŵorkshop someone asked me to simply stroke their feet...within five minutes I was exhausted..every muscle ached and I had to stop. I cried and beat myself up internally and verbally...saying its not right..I used to be able to do many massages a day and now I can't even stroke a foot! Humbling experience illness....much to surrender to.
A while a ago I wrote about motherhood etc and this has continued somewhat over the last few weeks. This is hard to write as I feel grief over all the children I have lost.both in miscarriage and through separations in partnerships.
Last week with my Transcendence family, during an exercise/meditation that I have done so many times before..something new came through me. It was an exercise where you state how the opposite gender has 'hurt' you...you project these statements onto an imaginary screen which someone of the opposite gender sat opposite to witness. As I had done this many times before, I speak on behalf of all women and 'thought' I had exhausted and transformed all my personal stuff. However, this time, I said 'you have taken away all my children'...it was a powerful statement to make..and I felt it in every cell...I cried and shook my head. My partner in the exercise sat in stillness and held space beautifully.
Of course, I know the reality that life happens, it is not 'mans' fault, people, including children come and have to leave...however, the emotions I felt in my body were real. A friend reminded me after when I shared this, that I had said last week... "how many more children will I come to love and then I have to let go"... I'd forgotten that.
I am grateful that I am conscious and aware of what is real and can explore these emotions and feelings... I have met someone with children living with him and I can see that I am wary... not only of getting involved with someone again but also of the fact that there are children there as well. I do not want to come from a place of fear and this is the first time that I have felt such wariness...I will keep softening and surrender to how life unfolds..
Healing continues in so many ways...
Namaste...
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