Funny day..feels like Autumn has prematurely appeared..the full moon hidden behind grey clouds, its cold and windy..the fruit in the orchard is falling on the ground.
Although functioning just, I am aware I am going about my day as if I am hidden behind some sort of veil. Even when other people talk to me, its as though it takes ages for their words to actually make any sense...typing this..seems like my hands are there..but they are miles away..
Walking in the woods today with Milo, it felt like I was walking on a few inches of air..not actually touching the earth..but I could feel the solidness and the softness of the bark of the trees...I savoured that.
Maybe, I am still coming back into my body after yesterdays blackout..maybe the moons energies are touching me deeply... whatever, I surrender and leave this virtual world to allow fully.
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
Monday, 23 August 2010
New connections, Exploring...blackouts!
Not written for a while..been exploring a new connection with a beautiful, opening, young man that I met a short while ago...he has stayed a few days and its been wonderful to be 'seen', nourished and honoured by the masculine principle. It is something that I needed at this time to remind me that man can see and love the goddess and adore pure femininity.. I have flowered! Whilst neither of us can see potential for a 'relationship' in a romantic sense...we acknowledge that there is something that connects us in whatever way that unfolds..
This morning I passed out at the hospital..I was just having a regular check up..and whilst the nurse was talking to me, I realised that I was starting to leave the body... I started to heat up, voices echoing around..and sinking fast... but I fought it and asked for a biscuit or something to bring me back.. they didnt get chance.. the blackness came up on me suddenly and I just disappeared..
Its been many years since I have fainted (probably before I had my near death)..I have had some close calls. but this is the first time, I went all the way..since I experienced oneness, the absolute... and you know.. it was a powerful experience. Similar to going into the blackness through meditation say, but it enveloped me quicker..and I was not 'conscious' of entering the blackness..
Anyway... as I 'came back'... the jouney came back first through hearing voices again, and then faces peering at me and I seemed to be fighting something to get to the faces....it took me ages to make it through that tunnel and very painful! Then I cried..realising I had disappeared but had come back!
A crash team had been called as I had stopped breathing for longer than the average faint.... I realised yet again, I had stopped breathing.. ironically all happened in the chest clinic, where they are looking at what is causing my breathing issues! I go to tick the boxes and you never know they just might find something physical...but in truth I know..its down to me and my choosing on some level.
These wonderful bodies...my wonderful body.. that has been touched so beautifully, felt such wondrous beauty..with the power for health or creation of dis-ease... AARRGGHHH!!! Why do I keep wanting escape!
This morning I passed out at the hospital..I was just having a regular check up..and whilst the nurse was talking to me, I realised that I was starting to leave the body... I started to heat up, voices echoing around..and sinking fast... but I fought it and asked for a biscuit or something to bring me back.. they didnt get chance.. the blackness came up on me suddenly and I just disappeared..
Its been many years since I have fainted (probably before I had my near death)..I have had some close calls. but this is the first time, I went all the way..since I experienced oneness, the absolute... and you know.. it was a powerful experience. Similar to going into the blackness through meditation say, but it enveloped me quicker..and I was not 'conscious' of entering the blackness..
Anyway... as I 'came back'... the jouney came back first through hearing voices again, and then faces peering at me and I seemed to be fighting something to get to the faces....it took me ages to make it through that tunnel and very painful! Then I cried..realising I had disappeared but had come back!
A crash team had been called as I had stopped breathing for longer than the average faint.... I realised yet again, I had stopped breathing.. ironically all happened in the chest clinic, where they are looking at what is causing my breathing issues! I go to tick the boxes and you never know they just might find something physical...but in truth I know..its down to me and my choosing on some level.
These wonderful bodies...my wonderful body.. that has been touched so beautifully, felt such wondrous beauty..with the power for health or creation of dis-ease... AARRGGHHH!!! Why do I keep wanting escape!
Thursday, 19 August 2010
New beginnings, openings..potentials...
Been quietly sitting with new potentials...looking through doors that are opening to me....
Magical, exciting, wondrous and a little scary too!
Feeling what resonates the deepest...not having to make a choice.. trusting that I will be shown.
Live...Love....
Magical, exciting, wondrous and a little scary too!
Feeling what resonates the deepest...not having to make a choice.. trusting that I will be shown.
Live...Love....
Monday, 16 August 2010
Powerful women, flavours of dance, Kali!
Energies abound in the night...couldnt sleep and so it seems neither did some of my sisters!
Its amazing and humbling to share with sisters experiencing pain from what seems to be a loss of love, whether through separation, death or illness... similar flavours of the same dance. Its through this dance, ever deepening journey which is what allows us as women to reconnect with the source directly, feel and know that love directly with the beloved, regardless of the external play.
We are truly powerful women! We all have our own way of fulfilling this deep desire, to be fulfilled completely... and we truly already know that we cannot be separate from love for we are that. I once lay next to the shell of the man that had once met me in divine union... the shape of the man was still there, but He was gone... it hurt, there was such longing for what had been, attachment to the past and unwillingness to accept what was in the present... for me, I lay in the darkness, placed my hand on my heart and abdoman, and breathed... breathed in love, consciousness and breathed out...closing my eyes and sinking into the sensation..I was not alone, I was never alone... I am love and connected to source directly...grateful to have had the expeirence of divine union..some never have or will ahve that direct knowledge!
And I have already written about connecting again through nature, through choosing a tree and melting into that that way...truly blessed we are!
however, we are in a physical human form, we are having a human experience..and we do feel emotions that need not be dismissed as in some teachings.. they are there to show us something real.. the difference is is that if we are conscious of what they showing us, then we dont get hooked into them or dwell/sink and lose ourselves in them. Surely that is more real than denying that they even exist - which to me is another sneaky form of ego?
There are ways that we can love ourselves physically, in our human bodies; it may be through meditation, music, dance, song, loving nature, hugging trees, healing, massage, sorting papers/files, cleaning windows, doing our nails, sorting our jewellery, gardening, making something....sisters, go now, write a list of everything you want to do... everything. on one sheet..not prioritise it, or put it into categories,,just list them. And then take pleasure in going to that list when you have 'moments' and choosing something to do off that list.... and then crossing it out when done! Its wonderful and satisfying...
Onto where I currently am on this journey; I am being 'seen', being loved from afar, being pursued, being wooed...and it is wonderful! My ears have not heard such devotion to She for a while... I am also being seen as Kali..one that is capable of taking her knife of truth and dispensing with anything less with directness , honesty and love. That is scary for man that approaches.. he must have the courage and strength to face her directly and be willing to die for She.. She is patient and surrendered.
I welcome and honour man that takes that step..
Its amazing and humbling to share with sisters experiencing pain from what seems to be a loss of love, whether through separation, death or illness... similar flavours of the same dance. Its through this dance, ever deepening journey which is what allows us as women to reconnect with the source directly, feel and know that love directly with the beloved, regardless of the external play.
We are truly powerful women! We all have our own way of fulfilling this deep desire, to be fulfilled completely... and we truly already know that we cannot be separate from love for we are that. I once lay next to the shell of the man that had once met me in divine union... the shape of the man was still there, but He was gone... it hurt, there was such longing for what had been, attachment to the past and unwillingness to accept what was in the present... for me, I lay in the darkness, placed my hand on my heart and abdoman, and breathed... breathed in love, consciousness and breathed out...closing my eyes and sinking into the sensation..I was not alone, I was never alone... I am love and connected to source directly...grateful to have had the expeirence of divine union..some never have or will ahve that direct knowledge!
And I have already written about connecting again through nature, through choosing a tree and melting into that that way...truly blessed we are!
however, we are in a physical human form, we are having a human experience..and we do feel emotions that need not be dismissed as in some teachings.. they are there to show us something real.. the difference is is that if we are conscious of what they showing us, then we dont get hooked into them or dwell/sink and lose ourselves in them. Surely that is more real than denying that they even exist - which to me is another sneaky form of ego?
There are ways that we can love ourselves physically, in our human bodies; it may be through meditation, music, dance, song, loving nature, hugging trees, healing, massage, sorting papers/files, cleaning windows, doing our nails, sorting our jewellery, gardening, making something....sisters, go now, write a list of everything you want to do... everything. on one sheet..not prioritise it, or put it into categories,,just list them. And then take pleasure in going to that list when you have 'moments' and choosing something to do off that list.... and then crossing it out when done! Its wonderful and satisfying...
Onto where I currently am on this journey; I am being 'seen', being loved from afar, being pursued, being wooed...and it is wonderful! My ears have not heard such devotion to She for a while... I am also being seen as Kali..one that is capable of taking her knife of truth and dispensing with anything less with directness , honesty and love. That is scary for man that approaches.. he must have the courage and strength to face her directly and be willing to die for She.. She is patient and surrendered.
I welcome and honour man that takes that step..
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Friday, 13 August 2010
Whales. dolphins, realisations, healing...breath!
I have been on retreat for the last week or so, sitting with people I hadnt met before, discovering new paths, tools, flavours of dances...
for want of a better word, 'learning' something called 'Ilahinoor', brought through by a very humble man called Kiara. It is an Energy transmissions that for me was as deep as 'The Form', which I have shared for years adn will contine to do so.. however, Ilahinoor is being shared in a very different way with humanity. I will leave discussion of these for another time, but most significantly for me, was my recognition of a forgotten resonance with Whales/dolphin energy..
Kiara had an experience with a whale some years ago and he brings this into his work... I remembered at the beginning of the week that I had been given a tape of whale/dolphin sounds when I was in hospital following my near death (13 yrs ago).. I played that tape practically 24/7 for 6 weeks, continually meditating and experiencing so much on different levels of consciousness. However, since then, I have never been drawn to play such music again.
That tape, took me in to such a calm, meditative state, that I was able to 'deal' with all that was thrown at me to clear at that time.. I took so much energy from the whales/dolphin communications...amazing! How could I forget...I never said thank you!
At the end of the retreat this week, we worked in groups and I had the following realisation when it was my turn in the middle:
I went in, deep, into nothingness, blackness...easily. ..I didnt want to breathe...just wanted to disappear and go home, into the cosmos...I had stopped breathing and it was wonderful.. however at some point, I was aware that the people around me had moved away and I knew my time in the session was over and I needed to move, and serve the others. But to do that.. I had to take a breathe, return to my physical body and breathe again.. it was painful.. both the struggle to return, to breathe and come into my body and also knowing that I had a choiceless choice to return to serve...that was what I needed to do.
Its not the first time that has happened.. but I had 'thought' I had come through this and was accepting of the fact, I am here, in a body..and that I have a job to do. but no, it came back.
I have unexplained breathing problems on a day to day basis...of course if I am not accepting that I am in the body, I am here.. of course I am having issues with this! The others were saying, we want you here, come back, you have a job to do etc etc... I just shook my head and cried.
I was lead to lay down and not work on anyone else and I allowed my self to enter that nothingness again..knowing that the others were ok.. and it was amazing... I 'returned' (?) to the sea, was underwater, I could breathe under water..it was freeing... and I danced with many whales, of different 'races', I could feel my own flesh and so enjoyed the breath underwater..
At some point, I found that I had swum onto some land..half in water, half in the air.. and I struggled again..It was as though my flesh was transforming into limbs..and I slowly uncurled fingers, toes and could feel the sand underneath me...but each time, I tried to move.. I felt a hand on me, gently encouraging me to go back into the water... and I surrendered to that... that happened several times, each time, it felt I had evolved into another form, about to take the first moves and I would gently be pushed back into the water.
All this was new to me, I have never had a particular resonance with whales/dolphins and I cannot swim, hate having my head in the water... dislike boats..the lot! However, there was such a clear message in all this, my reluctance to accept that I am here to serve in some way, the link with my own breathing problems etc. I have never had suicidal thoughts and I would not choose to leave this body that way...this is more a knowing that on some level, I can choose to leave and disappear..and that is tempting...but I also deeply know that I need to be here in human form at this time.
So...I am inspired to go deeper into this water/whale connection - quite how as i cannot swim I dont know yet. Maybe I dont need to. I keep being told that I have a job to do, that I am needed..even this weekend several people said this and they hardly spent time with me..I shake my head at them..because I have no idea how to do this, what my purpose is.. I can only trust that this will become clear when the time is right...
If you want to know more about Ilhainoor or The Form, their websites are:
www.ilahinoor.net
www.bernieprior.org
for want of a better word, 'learning' something called 'Ilahinoor', brought through by a very humble man called Kiara. It is an Energy transmissions that for me was as deep as 'The Form', which I have shared for years adn will contine to do so.. however, Ilahinoor is being shared in a very different way with humanity. I will leave discussion of these for another time, but most significantly for me, was my recognition of a forgotten resonance with Whales/dolphin energy..
Kiara had an experience with a whale some years ago and he brings this into his work... I remembered at the beginning of the week that I had been given a tape of whale/dolphin sounds when I was in hospital following my near death (13 yrs ago).. I played that tape practically 24/7 for 6 weeks, continually meditating and experiencing so much on different levels of consciousness. However, since then, I have never been drawn to play such music again.
That tape, took me in to such a calm, meditative state, that I was able to 'deal' with all that was thrown at me to clear at that time.. I took so much energy from the whales/dolphin communications...amazing! How could I forget...I never said thank you!
At the end of the retreat this week, we worked in groups and I had the following realisation when it was my turn in the middle:
I went in, deep, into nothingness, blackness...easily. ..I didnt want to breathe...just wanted to disappear and go home, into the cosmos...I had stopped breathing and it was wonderful.. however at some point, I was aware that the people around me had moved away and I knew my time in the session was over and I needed to move, and serve the others. But to do that.. I had to take a breathe, return to my physical body and breathe again.. it was painful.. both the struggle to return, to breathe and come into my body and also knowing that I had a choiceless choice to return to serve...that was what I needed to do.
Its not the first time that has happened.. but I had 'thought' I had come through this and was accepting of the fact, I am here, in a body..and that I have a job to do. but no, it came back.
I have unexplained breathing problems on a day to day basis...of course if I am not accepting that I am in the body, I am here.. of course I am having issues with this! The others were saying, we want you here, come back, you have a job to do etc etc... I just shook my head and cried.
I was lead to lay down and not work on anyone else and I allowed my self to enter that nothingness again..knowing that the others were ok.. and it was amazing... I 'returned' (?) to the sea, was underwater, I could breathe under water..it was freeing... and I danced with many whales, of different 'races', I could feel my own flesh and so enjoyed the breath underwater..
At some point, I found that I had swum onto some land..half in water, half in the air.. and I struggled again..It was as though my flesh was transforming into limbs..and I slowly uncurled fingers, toes and could feel the sand underneath me...but each time, I tried to move.. I felt a hand on me, gently encouraging me to go back into the water... and I surrendered to that... that happened several times, each time, it felt I had evolved into another form, about to take the first moves and I would gently be pushed back into the water.
All this was new to me, I have never had a particular resonance with whales/dolphins and I cannot swim, hate having my head in the water... dislike boats..the lot! However, there was such a clear message in all this, my reluctance to accept that I am here to serve in some way, the link with my own breathing problems etc. I have never had suicidal thoughts and I would not choose to leave this body that way...this is more a knowing that on some level, I can choose to leave and disappear..and that is tempting...but I also deeply know that I need to be here in human form at this time.
So...I am inspired to go deeper into this water/whale connection - quite how as i cannot swim I dont know yet. Maybe I dont need to. I keep being told that I have a job to do, that I am needed..even this weekend several people said this and they hardly spent time with me..I shake my head at them..because I have no idea how to do this, what my purpose is.. I can only trust that this will become clear when the time is right...
If you want to know more about Ilhainoor or The Form, their websites are:
www.ilahinoor.net
www.bernieprior.org
Thursday, 12 August 2010
still journeying..much to tell... but for tonight..Buzzard energy.
it stopped us in our tracks..beautiful, sacred moment.. we both gently touched the feathers, so soft... and a recent death, no sign of injury or being got at by other animals, just a few feathers scattered around..like it had fallen or something.
anyway.. I knew this was special..the wings fell around it like angel wings...that is what I was drawn to.. but my companion was drawn to its claws....powerful and strong message... I really wanted to take its wings, but this was not practical so we said our own thanks and walked on..
I returned to collect it on my own today..it was quite a trek and I didnt really know if it was still going to be there..or what state it was going to be in. It did seem like I/we had missed the moment..but I couldnt stop thinking about it. It was there! still lovely and special... and now gruesome as it sounds, I have its wings and claws in salt drying out... its wings spread out are magnificent... I have never done anything like this before but I knew that I had to do it..myself..
The message of a buzzard is a symbol of death and rebirth, new vision, new beginning and purification of the mind and body. It asks us to be patient with ourselves and be sure of how we feel before we enter the arena of our plans... as a buzzard is patient when it tracks its prey. It also acknowledges you are being noticed more for what you do rather than how you look, soaring above the difficulties of life.
It teaches us to use the sense of smell and discernment, and how to glide and soar with our own energy. it foretells of imminent changes. It also teaches confidence and the ability to stand with dignity and soar with clarity and purpose.
It is now time for me to soar above my own perceived limitations. It is asking whether I am ready to assert actions from my ideas!
Thank you to that beautiful man for sharing in that moment... the message of this is also for him too... I wonder as he was drawn to the claws in particular, whether this is about 'grasping hold', taking the plunge, to dive for what he desires...as the buzzard dives for its prey... masculine, powerful, purposeful, strength.... X
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