Life! Like playing a game of cards.....

I'm on my night shift again... wide, wide awake in the early hours of the morning.  Got my cuppa and drawn to write something...

Had a pretty stressful and emotional time over the last week, not only with hospital visits etc but also relationship stuff.  Everyone seems to be going through a lot of 'stuff' at the moment, all the rubbish from the past being brought up into the present and causing a rumpus!    Whilst difficult to be with, especially when you already have low energy, it is helpful to be aware that this stuff only comes up in love to be cleared..hopefully for good.   Watching others' lives fall apart and go into free-fall though is tough to watch and knowing that this is life's way of giving opportunity to forget the old, move on in some way, clear the past was the only comfort really.

The greatest thing that I realised this week was shown to me by a friend - if a child was having a tantrum, being angry and saying all kinds of hurtful things to you..things that made your heart sink and your gut wrench..how would you react?  Knowing that you loved that child with all your being, would never do anything to harm them and yet they kick and push you away...what would you do?  That made me think hard.  Hmmm... I am not a mother but I felt immediately what she meant..      I wouldn't take my 'position' and point out the 'unfairness' of it all, I wouldn't fight back, I wouldn't take the things said personally and doubt their love for me... I would hold the space, tell them I loved them, ride it out until they came out of their anger...and be there when that moment happened to just bloody well hold them tight!  That is what love does. 

I too, am moving into a new phase in my life...yes, I have been diagnosed with a chronic disease, but I see that I am on the brink of learning and experiencing so much, am connecting with lovely beings from around the planet because of that.   My partnership is moving into the next phase also - where I am discovering that I can be shown new  ways of loving, intimacy and being.. where I am not so fixed in my ideas and philosophies and just see what happens when I let someone else lead the way...  kind of exciting!

I've said this a few times this week....  its like in life, we are dealt a set of cards to play with....how we play with them is up to us though...cards will be taken away and extra ones (even sometimes the odd joker!) given to us throughout our life and together with a lot of luck and chance thrown in...there is nothing else to do.  Sometimes it appears unfair and unjust, sometimes its a joy and amazing...... Its the play of life!

x

11.11.11, 11am. Perfect Timing.for a camera to be put up my nose and down my throat!

An auspicious date in the calendar and whilst many of my friends were meditating, at sacred spots, tuning in to new energies etc, I was at my local hospital having a camera put up my nose and down my throat!  Obviously the place for me...

Facing another one of my childhood bad memories where at age 7, I was pinned down by a group of nurses whilst a doctor did the same procedure without any sedation.....I had avoided having this done for a while now, but it was really the only way to see if there is any damage to my trachea from this RP disease.

I was jumpy, nervous and tearful - the sight of the guys in their blue gowns sparked me off...at this stage all they were doing were calling names out in the waiting room.   My friend was allowed to come in to the prep ward with me thank goodness because during my wait, the others patients in the ward kept on talking about the procedures they had had done and what was wrong with them – I’d go into waves of panic and fear and start drifting into a faint.  My friend was able to ground me and bring me back, distract me with other stories – in a way it was funny...I watched all the other ladies being taken away and brought back..and then the nurses handing over to the after-care team with details of what they had had done etc.. I couldn’t escape it.

Anyway, still waiting for my turn at 11am, my friend and I just looked at each other – we felt a surge of energy come through – very slight - we seemed to connect with out friends out there doing their 'ceremonies; and also the general public and the 2 min silence.  A few minutes later I was trollied away for my turn.. shaking so much, they thought I was cold but I was sweating through fear.   Whilst doing the necessary prep, canola thing, sprayed here and there, I held onto a kind nurses arm and they talked about dogs, snow and stuff until I felt drowsy and swimmy from the drugs.

The consultant doing the procedure was efficient and kind – and I finally saw pictures of my throat, voice box and trachea...it went very quickly and I wasn’t that conscious but they gave me a picture of the bit causing me my problems.   The good news was that there didn’t appear to be any damage to cartilage to my windpipe but there was severe swelling in the area of trachea just below the voice box..  very narrow and therefore making it hard for me to breathe and talk correctly. 

After recovery, the consultant who had been seeing me since my issues started some 7 years ago came out to talk to me.  During these 7 years  I have attended his chest clinic twice a year and had numerous tests and each time, he had scratched his head not knowing  what was happening.  He was patient explaining stuff and admitted that he had never seen anything like this in his career  and wouldn’t know what to do – that this was a specialist problem and I was seeing the very best person already, even if I have to travel down to London.   The internet is a wonderful thing!

I was left with this picture of the bit of my body that has caused me problems over the last few years – I stared at it and touched it and felt so much energy coming through – I sent it healing thoughts and acknowledged its presence...

Last night when I went to bed, I took the picture and meditated with it, feeling in and sending healing thoughts of expansion and opening...asking questions of it like why was it there, what was it I needed to learn....  I made a special place in the window, with healing crystals – it felt right somehow...

This morning, it feels really good still to be able to see what the area actually looks like...it enables me to tune in with it more intimately somehow.   I think that this will be a useful tool for healing...

Out of bed now to prepare for the Metho dosage today.

Hospital day out..treatment journey begins....

Friday 28th October - key date in the mayan calander was spent at St Thomas's hospital in London.  A follow up with the specialist to find out what my treatment plan was to be.  Arriving early to a packed clinic, I was last on the list, last to be seen.   

I was nervous but keen to learn what my treatment plan was - I just wanted to feel better and do the things I miss so much. 

Firstly, the one good piece of news was that I do not have Lupus!  A relief which lasted a short while and then official diagnosis of Relapsing Polychondritis and three blood clotting disorders (one of which I already knew about).  The plan was to give me a variety of drugs to include methotraxate and pred together with things to help support my body, liver and kidneys in particular.  Side effects were listed, many of which I had heard about but hadn't gone into in detail - I just wanted to hear that in a few weeks, I would feel so much better.  However, to my dismay, what I got was there is no guarantee but it was hoped that it wouldnt get worse...my tears of disappointment began...with a sympathetic but supportive look from my love sat next to me.

The consultant then spotted my swollen leg which I had put down to my inactivity..he thought there was a possibility that I had got blood clots in my lungs!  I said surely not..it's due to lack of exercise, I would know.  But he insisted and ordered some emergency scans and tests and warned me that I wouldn't be allowed home if anything was found.     As he brought in the senior nurse to take me away, I felt some very old patterns coming in, through my mind....my old phobia of needles, hospitals, blood etc kicked in, I began to cry, feel faint.   However, I just knew that he was wrong, took a deep breath ignoring the fear and thoughts in my mind, and went with the nurse.   Unfortunately, my veins failed, and it took several attempts for two nurses to take blood and insert a drip attachment.  The whole while, my mind going into the old pattern, echoing voices and feeling the blackness come in.

This familiar feeling remained throughout the waiting for scans, tests and the feeling that I would pass out got stronger as tests were carried out.  Shaking, hot then cold, muttering to myself - making myself laugh now typing this.  You know I was amazed how strong that patterning is still in me, after all these years, same fears, thoughts and feeling in my body.

Anyway...I was right, there were no clots and I was given the all clear to leave.   

Back to the original consultant to finalise the drug therapy plan.   They had in the mean time got access to the previous scans undertaken weeks ago and a bit more good news is that the scans showed inflammation of my trachea but no signs of damage.  This will have to be confirmed by a broncoscopy next week but hey I grabbed another piece of good news.  We left the hospital around 6pm shattered.

Over the weekend, I've gone up and down with my feelings surrounding all this.  I took my first Metho dosage on Saturday, doing energy work with them before welcoming them into my body.  No side effects yet and it takes a few weeks to get into my system.   I can't help sometimes though feeling let down and scared that I am taking a drug used for cancer patients, wishing that any of the other options I have explored over the years had worked.   

I am endeavouring though to be positive and seeing this as something that I am to experience, allow.  Each time I take a tablet, I go through a similar procedure, food to line stomach, energy work, quiet space and welcoming into my body something that is part of creation.  

Any hints, thoughts or whatever come to any of you that I might be able to use to support my body through this are welcomed.

Mixed emotions....

A bit of everything thrown in the last few days....  I am feeling tired and achey.   A few days to relax and chill before the many tests/scans booked over the next few weeks - its sunny and bright outside but I am scared and tearful.  I dont really want to cry as it will make my eyes sore - they are already sore from being so tired...holding it in.

I've tried to keep positive and concentrate on the 'good' stories on the net but I cant help noticing some of the dire outcomes for Lupus sufferers - its scary.   I am not afraid of death - have been close to it before BUT even so, it makes me go dizzy thinking about what may be in store for me.  So premature as well - I need to have more blood tests for final decision yet - its so ridiculous that I am allowing my mind, fear to get in and cause havoc.    Blood clotting disorders, RP thrown in as well - I feel its all out of my control - which of course it is on some level!

I've also been looking at the dilemma of going against my 'belief's' and 'principles' in finally going down conventional treatment route...  I still have that belief that I can 'reverse' this thing, that we can heal ourselves, good diet, good living etc etc...... not wanting to get into the cycle of 'pharmaceuticals' masking symptoms, the side effects etc.  Also I buy into all the conspiracy theories that talk about mass vaccinations, big corporate influence, chem trails, fluoride in the water issues etc etc....and here I am about to step into that whole world.  Then again - there again, there is no separation, all is part of the whole, of god, the one!  And then I think that had I been in a different culture, different period in time, then I wouldnt have survived to this age - I'd have been picked off a long time ago.

Not sure if that gets across what the dilemma is within me.

I want a hug, I want to be held right now. 

Life has put me in a place that I am alone for a few days though - so maybe I will cuddle Milo, meditate, love myself - that is what I must do. All perfect - I have to keep reminding myself!

Retreating......more diagnosis!

Just come back from a five day retreat in Devon...wonderful space re-connecting with The Form, soaking up the energy and yummy food!  My body behaved itself in the main, the weather was good and everyone was so friendly and welcoming.

Milo had a good time with his dog sitters - even managed to find a new doggy girl-friend called Molly.  Apparently they were so sweet together!

With all my bags in the lounge ready to unpack and put away, I listen to my messages  and my GP had been trying to get hold of me regarding a letter.   I open the post and there is a new letter from my London consultant - not great news!  along with the diagnosis of RP, it seems I tested positive for Lupus and Coombs, have very high blood pressure and he suspects I may also have antiphospholipid syndrome and scleritis in my eyes.  Ugh!

Luckily, I wasnt able to get straight onto the internet but I was in a tizz for a few hours..  I felt so fed up, tired from travelling and couldnt face putting all the stuff in my lounge away or eat.  I didnt know what to do really - I really wanted to cry - but couldnt or wouldnt as I didnt want my throat to get irritated and my eyes get sore.   Deep breathing, a few Form movements - didnt want to upset my parents who are the closest in distance to me - just wanted to hear what my GP had to say.    He eventually 'phoned me back to discuss various appointments for tests and to tell me not to research any of these new things!  He knows me well!

Too late though - wont do too much more until I see the specialist again but from I have read, these things could explain some of the mysterious illnesses. symptoms and miscarriages I have had over the years.  That is a positive thing - I no longer feel I am going mad.  At least now with 'labels', I feel I am believed more and I can now 'let go'...  that feeling of taking a deep breath and dropping the tension in relief.

Back to the retreat - whilst before I was still feeling I had let myself down in someway, failed in having to have conventional treatment to feel better, over the space of the last few days and really listening to what a couple of people had to say, I am not beating myself up so much.

These things happen to us as human beings as part of the experience... for whatever reason - maybe some higher purpose.  Accepting conventional therapy maybe part of that experience too - and maybe I need to see that ALL things are part of God/the creator/I/the one....  including pharmaceutical drugs - all part of the same.    I know of spiritual teachers, enlightened teachers that have also had illness, taken drugs to help them...it is not a failure, just part of the experience.

So.... Namaste to life!

Diagnosis at last! Mixed feelings and Big Ben!

Following a visit to a specialist in London today, I finally got a diagnosis of RP (Relapsing Polychondritis)!   After a journey of nearly 7 years and numerous tests, consultants and alternative therapists scratching their heads, my GP suspecting RP for 2 years and my push to see the 'God of RP' recently, it seems that there is no doubt.    I show all the classic signs and a blood test carried out a while ago, (the result not investigated further by local consultants) it is the only explanation.

There was a sort of disbelief at first - and I asked him to repeat what he thought.  For the first time, a man in a white coat was prepared to state what he thought and was telling me that it was necessary to treat now before it got any worse and possibly too late.   Relief!  Finally, someone had listened to how debilitating my symptoms are sometimes and someone that saw that it really couldn't be left any longer.

I didnt have many questions then, I'd researched enough to know that this was a rare and progressive auto-immune disorder.   This man had the most patients in the country under his supervision (35) and I have already connected with support groups on the net.  Whilst not particularly the result I 'wanted', I could have got worse diagnosis.  I listened to the ordering of scans, biops and blood tests and booked another appointment for 6 weeks time.  My local GP and Consultant will be sent instructions as to the plan of action.

After shaking his hand, I walked to another building to have the basketful of tubes of blood to be taken and left the hospital.

Walking across the bridge, noticing that one of the London Eye cages was missing and then to the Houses of Parliament.  I don't think I'd ever stood in front of them before...it was coming up to 12 noon and I realised that Big Ben was about to boom!   Suddenly I got into tourist mode, rang my mum and made her listen to the familiar sound before telling her my news.    We didn't talk for long, the energy of London, the cars, the people and the noise was getting too much.

The questions began to arise on the journey on the Tube, to the car, back home - I have time to write these down and ask for clarification.  I was so grateful for my love to have taken me into the City, to have sat by me, taking in what was being said to me, commenting on how he saw things.    We were both so exhausted.

Right now, its 3am.  I woke and inevitably have started to think about what is happening.  As my love slept deeply, I began to cry - those tears were so so hot, they burnt!  I didn't wish to wake him or his two children asleep in the house so I have brought myself into the spare room to have tea, biscuits and to write this!

Whilst it is a relief to have a diagnosis and someone that is going to plan a course of treatment - there is mixed feelings in that.  I know there is no cure - the drugs given are likely to just stall the progression and hopefully improve my day to day living.  I already have another rare disorder - Protein S Deficiency which I have lived with for many years.  That disease enabled me to move into a more conscious way of living and transformed my life.  Maybe this is my next 'transformation'.

My tears are for the 'unfairness' I feel, the fear of what is to come, what they still might find from the tests, fear of how this will effect my loved ones, my friends and the sick feeling that I might not be able to do or have the things I yearn for in life.  I just looked up at the ceiling and let out my 'lissy sigh' at myself!  Shaking my head now because I know that I can get through this and see the whole thing as 'experience', a way for me to more conscious of the present, more appreciative of the moment - I've been doing that since my blood clot.   On some level I have chosen this experience, for some reason my body, my immune system has decided to go into this pattern - so I flow with what is -  as best as I can.

I had typed "my hope that maybe my immune system might reverse this pattern its has chosen'..and my laptop crashed and deleted that paragraph.   Ok...  I wont choose the word 'hope' - that is not being the present!  :)

So, whilst my blog has been more and more writing about my day to day life with health issues - I feel that this blog will inevitably change into writing about my experience with an auto-immune problem, a hidden illness and how that gives me the opportunity to experience yet another aspect of the human experience, and deepen in my awakening.  I had just started to wonder if I might start a new blog specifically for  that but then I dont really see that having a label of 'RP' is a separate part of who I am - its all part of the same Journey of Awakening Woman!

Watch this space!

Namaste

X

A Journey of Awakening Woman: Creepy, crawlies, crawling skin....sleepless night...

A Journey of Awakening Woman: Creepy, crawlies, crawling skin....sleepless night...: Something very strange going on... for days now my skin has been sort of crawling - feels like I sometimes have an ant or tiny spider crawli...

Creepy, crawlies, crawling skin....sleepless night

Something very strange going on... for days now my skin has been sort of crawling - feels like I sometimes have an ant or tiny spider crawling around but when I investigate nothing there.  I've not been well, at home resting and not doing much so assumed it was just itchy from sitting around a lot - but ugh!

Just now, having slept for a while, in semi consciousness, I was aware of something crawling on my arm...several times, I 'woke' myself up a little bit more and as soon as I paid a thought to the sensation, it disappeared.   I drift off to sleep again to only feel it again a minute later!  This went on for several minutes until I was sufficiently conscious enough to reach over to put the light on....looked quickly and I swear I saw a glimpse of a very tiny, worm like creature slide across my arm and disappear into the air!    Really!

Sitting up, I carefully lifted my pillows, duvet and nothing was evident.  I switched on a big light, examined every inch but again nothing.  Did I imagine that?  I fear fleas, bed bugs etc but have had no bites and all my linen is cream so surely I would notice some creature if that was the case?

:)  OR in my semi-conscious state,, was I witnessing a creature from another dimension?  Hmmmm!  Maybe they have also been playing havoc with my throat, nose, immune system - oh my imagination runs wild!   Maybe I have watched too many Stargate SG1 episodes in my time!    Thats it, wide awake and have to get up for some tea.  :)  

As I write, my skin in crawling again... in my hair, no, on my back,,,no around my waist..no, on my foot... I shiver...     I wonder if you are too after reading this?

Night Night...  XX

A Journey of Awakening Woman: Hmmmm...Ugh.... Aaargh! Hmmmmm..... :) Descri...

A Journey of Awakening Woman: Hmmmm...Ugh.... Aaargh! Hmmmmm..... :) Descri...: Been ages, yet again... you all must have got so bored and assumed that I have given up on blogging.. well I sort of have! Apart from gen...

Hmmmm...Ugh.... Aaargh! Hmmmmm..... :) Descriptive enough!

Been ages, yet again...  you all must have got so bored and assumed that I have given up on blogging.. well I sort of have!

Apart from generally feeling run down, resting lots, periodically travelling up and down the M5 to Wiltshire and back, theres not a lot happening.  

Today - with raging sore throat and head :( , I am writing at my desk with the sunshine pouring through, with Milo and Danny (Border collies!) at my feet...  swallows doing their stuff just outside - perfect. :)

Namaste,
X

Reluctant blog!

Been ages again since my last blog...  been resting up recovering from a summer cold which has floored me for weeks now.  Mainly staying in Wiltshire with occasional visits back home to Worcestershire...just about keeping it together but if I am honest, feel that I have lived for so long 'below par', that this recent dip has shown me how much I have been just about getting through each day for maybe years. 

Having no energy to even think or do one thing at a time, feeling so low, its enough to get up and get dressed.  It seems I can have a great day, doing lots of things and getting 'out there' and then the next I have to rest up again, sit back and recover. Have no energy to organise anything, work, start new projects etc - just so tired.

In amongst all this is the support of friends, loved ones and a couple of healing sessions with Kiara.  I am truly blessed and would now like get myself to 100% - I've had enough of not being my fullest potential.  Would love to have so much energy, I can jump out of bed, feel rested and take Milo out for a run - proper run!  Bring it on...

:)

Back home for a while...but still lurghified!

I Can't believe that its been nearly three weeks since I was at home.  I'm still feeling rubbish - even on the Steroids but at least I can breathe easier.  Had a trip to the hospital on Sunday to get them!

The drive home was tiring and I feel a bit like the 'Michillan Man' - my body has bloated up with the steroids so that none of my clothes look right and I feel all 'puffy'!  Ugh!

I am blessed though, I was looked after so well in Wiltshire and loved throughout all the moans and groans and my neighbours have tended my garden in my absence.  It looks so neat and tidy now...my flowers look amazing!

The last three weeks have certainly been a time for surrendering and clearing.

A psychic told me last week that she saw that my breathing problems were linked to one of my mothers past lives where she was hanged for the death of her baby - which was a cot death.  She had been cut down before she had died, survived and it stayed with her - the experience of choking etc.  I am supposed to be clearing out this karma for her - hence the miscarriages of both hers and mine as well.    She also said that my previous relationship had been clearing karma for my Father's past life - my current relationship being non-karmic!

The funny thing is though that the timing of this cold/flu thing I have had recently coincides with the anniversary of the end of that relationship last year - and the last time I had such a bad episode of cold/flu etc was when my breathing issues started - around 7/8 years ago!   So we shall see what transpires when I have recovered fully.

Hmmm..  I've not ever gone into past lives etc before but it was interesting and she went on to tell me that I am from Atlantis and had not been on Earth for over 10,000 years!   Hmmm!

More changes imminent though - one of my contracts will come to an end this week - it had gone on for longer than anticipated so I did well...and I have some 'breathing' space (lol) now for a few weeks to decide on what I want to do and where!  So many potentials - I am sure it will become clear...

I  hope so!

X

Lurghy..Muddy Festival and Lurghy! ugh!

Been ages since i wrote again - largely due to the fact I have been unwell for just over a week now.  laid up in bed largely, completely exhausted with various coldy symptoms, migraine and a regular bleed!  

Managed a few hours at Larmer Tree festival at the weekend to catch my fave Seth and a couple of other bands... but by the end of the day, could hardly walk through the mud back to the car!  Enjoyed it all immensely though.  :)

Since the weekend, back into bed I have retreated..looked after well, fluids, food and entertainment provided lovingly.   Symptoms hardly moving through - summer cold or clearing out - I've had a enough now!   I cant bring myself to get dressed yet, let alone get out and about in the world again.    I've even taken a step back from emailing and facebook - so sorry to all those that are waiting for a response to me. I just cant be doing it at the moment.  Maybe tomorrow!

Blog soon!

X

Returning to blog?

I haven’t written a blog entry for a long while – to be honest, not sure that I will put this one up..each day that I thought I would write, something got in the way or I didn’t know what to write or whether I should be writing my thoughts and feelings out in this way.

Its been a great way to get my thoughts, feelings and emotions out when I was mainly living on my own.  It was a way for me to interact with others, correspond with a few that in turn shared their response, albeit in a virtual world.  I suppose now that I am in a ‘significant’ relationship, the need for this has lessoned, maybe that’s why I’ve not written so much.

In any case, I am typing on this blank page and so far it feels right!

Life has flowed for me with love, health and work... I travel between Wiltshire and Worcestershire every so often – practically setting up two homes, moving clothes in suitcases and packing cars occasionally.  It is tiring, the two hour journey is as tiring being a passenger.   Being able to work from anywhere has been a gift – all I need is my laptop and the internet.

My relationship has got serious and I cant remember the last time I was treated so well and loved so openly.  Thing is that because I am not used to it, its difficult for me to receive and I am having to re-establish how I am in this new dynamic.  It seems that I cant trust anything I feel or think and I sit on the fence dithering, unable to make the leap and dive in.   My head battles with its thoughts, mainly doubts and my heart  - well it is sad for me to admit that I no longer am able to recognise it.  The past, the future seems to push in and create its little play.

I have been awful at times, pushing the boundaries to see how far I can go…knowing that that was what I was doing but being unable to stop.  I can see how I am effected by hormonal swings, moon cycles, and I wonder if I am also feeling cosmic/planetary changes as well.  It seems there are many that are struggling, feeling low, lethargic, making moves then stalling etc.  Ugh!

However, I am conscious and aware enough to see the play and the little games..and I will not allow fear and past to mask what is real.  I cant put my life on hold whilst I sort all this out internally, emotionally, waiting for 100% clarity or comets in October 2011 or the mayan 2012..ridiculous! 

So there you go… I’ve broken the silence and it feels ok to write once more.

Thank you for listening!

Namaste

Lunar Eclipse..Full Moon energies...

Been ages since I last wrote anything..not sure why really..

However, today, woke up feeling dizzy and sick, grouchy, hot and exhausted!  So spending the day in bed thus far!  Vertigo, virus, full moon, eclipse energy, humidity outside, pmt..all could be reasons but it doesn't really matter - welcoming being able to languish in bed, sleep on and off and be looked after.   

Feels like my body is transforming the cosmic energies, many of my sisters are feeling similar things and now I have started to spot bleed, feels like over the next few days, I will be releasing.

So.. allowing and relishing this lovely big bed, some new books to read and maybe even a dvd or two!

XX

Sparkling Wellington Boot's Therapy!

Again, been a while since my last blog...lots of shifts and turns, ups and downs along the way.  

My body continues to be a medical enigma - another consultant signing me away with inconclusive possibilities, no clear cut path to follow.  Once again, stopped all medication that I've been trying for the last few weeks as there was no significant change and many unwanted side effects..feeling much clearer now they are getting out of my system. 

Awaiting my next bleed - already the pain has started, days earlier than scheduled..which today has left me listless, tired, not motivated..just wanting to curl up with the dog really.  However, I've just forced myself up the hill with Milo, putting on my new sparkly wellies for the first time!  What therapy!    Seeing them sparkle in the odd bit of sunray...through the wet grass.. made me smile!   Bliss...

Collected some nettles for some tea on the way back which I am sipping now as I type...

Thank goodness for sparkly wellies!

XX

Wonderful Lyrics by Dido - This Land is Mine

"From behind these walls I hear your song
Oh, sweet words
The music that you play lights up my world
The sweetest that I’ve heard
Could it be that I’ve been touched and turned
Oh Lord, please finally…finally things are changing

This land is mine but I’ll let you rule
I let you navigate and demand
Just as long as you know…this land is mine
So find your home and settle in
Ohhh, I’m ready to let you in
Just as long as we know…this land is mine

After all the battles and the wars
The scars and loss
I’m still the queen of my domain
and feeling stronger now
The walls are down a little more each day
Since you came, finally…finally things are changing
Follow the days I’ve travelled alone
In this cold and colorless place till now
It’s what I had to pay

This land is mine and I let you rule
I let you navigate on demand
Just as long as you know…this land is mine"

 
ahhhh...  XX

A Journey of Awakening Woman: Ever learning..growing.. Relationships!

A Journey of Awakening Woman: Ever learning..growing.. Relationships!: "I haven't written for ages again..been enjoying loving, resting, gently working and playing..interweaved with a couple of bouts of health st..."

Ever learning..growing.. Relationships!

I haven't written for ages again..been enjoying loving, resting, gently working and playing..interweaved with a couple of bouts of health stuff.


Visits to new places, sights and introduced to some new stone circles in Cumbria and the Lake District..wonderful meetings albeit with rashes and ears flaring up! Interestingly though, my breathing was better in the mountain air and got worse again as we headed down the M5 home…. Could this mean I have to move to a place away from arable/crop farmland? Who knows!

A thoughtful week for me..relationship hasn’t been this ‘straightforward’ or easy for a long long time..and I’m not used to it! At what point did I become addicted to the roller coaster ride, the ups and downs, of being with someone that is unsure, coming and going, dangling a carrot, hope, then cutting it… Ugh! When did I begin to be comfortable with that feeling of seeming ‘love’, excitement then utter despair and insecurity in the next moment. What made me undervalue myself so much to accept nothing less than what I deserve? I shake my head..at myself!

I have a man in my life that is adoring me, honouring me, wooing me and respecting me…loving me with ease, no expectations, no drama, no carrots..its all there…on the table for me! Yet, I hesitate, this is not what I am used to.. I find myself looking for ‘that’ familiar feeling inside, the chase, the unattainable, the excitement of the ups and downs, insecurity, being overwhelmed, bamboozled and also that comfortable ‘aloneness’… ugh again!

I watch all of this going on..my mind very clever bringing up my past, emotions and memories..trying to claw me away from the present..and the future. I talk silently to my self..seeing the truth, knowing not to trust these ‘feelings’…they are not real – an illusion.

The feelings of ‘attraction’ are completely different, less highs and lows, no roller coaster or drama and there is passion and desire. This man seems firmly rooted and committed to me… I trust that I am where I am meant to be…all perfect.

I read this paragraph today:

“I am the common denominator in this soap opera called life! In the past, I’d know I felt bad by the flutters in my stomach, the anxiety, discomfort, the vague ambiguous feeling, and the familiarity that comes with catering to a pattern…and I’d ignore it. This could only mean I’d continue to make poor choices and create more pain for myself” (baggagereclaim.co.uk)

I choose a healthy man, a healthy relationship – I intend to enjoy every moment and see how it all unfolds…

Namaste.

Wood's reunion..wild garlic..applemint and nettles!

ahhhh.... beautiful sunshine, blue skies, just about right temperature for me!  My body is going through something right now..not a pretty sight..blotchy, puffy, achey...lethargic..listless!  Ugh!  Maybe a down after the high of steroids, maybe full moon, maybe pollen..maybe allergic to Wiltshire!  who knows... just ugh!

However...made myself go into the woods, to re-connect with the trees, mother earth..it seems a long time.  Having been away on and off, not feeling so strong at times, lambs everywhere so difficult with Milo..excuses..excuses..   

Reconnecting was wonderful, leaning against the Mother tree feeling her energy up my spine, breathing in spring air..bliss.   Dipping into the stream, touching leaves and wild flowers.  Also collected lots of wild garlic for tea, nettles for my tonic and some applemint for a lovely drink - which I am now sipping!

ahhhh!

Namaste!
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Bee Energy....powerful signs..dead birds..reunions!

Came back from a wonderful week away to find a load of bees in my bedroom...some were flying, many were just crawling around near the window, on the bedding, the floor everywhere..  a surprise to say the least and slightly alarming!

Having just picked up a friend that was staying with me, I didnt know what to do.. I felt myself get stressed, worked up..panicky but overall I knew it would be fine - I had other options of places to stay.  It was almost looking down at someone else panicking and yet I couldnt change it.  I couldnt make any decisions about what to do..I just wanted someone else to tell me what to do, where to go..  In the middle of getting landlord help, neighbours, friends, bee keeper, pest control, even advice from the 'census collector' - I spotted that there was a dead sparrow in front of my car.  I hadnt hit it, my car had been parked there all week!  Ugh... so many symbols and signs maybe?

When animal messengers want to get our attention, they arrive in large nunbers - looking up bee energy, they are a sign of passion, progress, feritility and sexuality!  In my bedroom - of course!  :)    The dead bird?  not so good maybe - a sign of coming disappointments, worry!  :(      A shamanic friend foretells that it is a sign to move on, out of this cottage to pastures new....  hmmmm...  

Then yesterday, we spotted that a lamb had got it self caught on a wire fence after visiting the chickens it appears - it was stangling itself.. it must have been there most of the day, it was so cold to the touch.   It took three of us to release it, gradually slackening off each wire, net from its throat - you could hear and feel it gulp with relief.   It soon bounded off to his mum though - much needing some milk and warmth.


The bees?  Cutting a long story short, the bees turned out to be masonry bees that dont sting and they eventually moved on - my friend and I stayed in the b&b next door whilst the bees, took their time in relocating!     Lots of bee jokes coming forth on my facebook page!

Lovely having my best friend from school here to stay - she flew from Scotland for a visit and for us to go to a school reunion.  After the bee episode, we werent too sure we felt like going..but we did.  It was interesting..looking at peoples faces to see if you recognised anyone.. people examining us too... funny!  It was good although not too many from our school year so a little disappointing!

Saying goodbye to her today was hard.. sad.. Although we only keep in touch by phone occasionally, it was just like old times being together again.. would love to have her in my life more.

Spring sunshine abound...clear blue skies... jumping and noise lambs and their mums...

awaiting my love to come home, to reconnect after a few days absence...  Namaste.

Womb versus Mind...powerful feminine...powerful masculine.

A week of endeavouring to rest, relax and re-energise following the dip last weekend.  Have felt so tired and lethargic, low in energy, trying another short course of steroids.   Hate the side effects I get at the beginning, the shakes, hunger, spacey feeling but these are now lessening.

Have been staying away from home at my loves' house in Wiltshire; being allowed to just be and sleep, eat, laugh, do whatever - whilst I am still doing work on my laptop, its wonderful to just let go and not have the usual 'responsibilities' of my cottage/milo..

Loving and deepening energies - often moving and over-whelming me (both of us at times)...we are very blessed to be sharing these moments of bliss.    In fact, we have laughed as I have even 'swooned' a couple of times after our embraces! Just like in the movies!   :)

Intimately, it is wonderful to be aware of the play of the feminine and masculine power...The phallace is so magical and powerful and it never ceases to amaze me that it has its own intelligence, knowing of what areas need clearing, cleansing, transforming energy with love and clarity.  I have also noticed in our loving that there comes a point where my body/womb takes over and a power comes in that seems to want to take all of the masculine into her fully, to flood her - coaxing, teasing, pulling him in deeper and deeper, tempting him to release the masculine energy totally.  My mind however, logical and 'sensible' coming in at just the right moment to lessen the energy, and to not allow the instinctual feminine her way.. unless She does...  A wonderfully ecstatic sharing that seems to go on and on.. 

Namaste.

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