Yet another blog post this week ! Things are moving within and I am inspired.....

Another blog post within a week! 

 I just read my 'on this day' app on Facebook and was reminded about a blog post I wrote exactly two years ago today.  I’ve copied an excerpt of it below.  

This is interesting because I've been thinking about how 'my life' has evolved from that which I had thought would happen when I was in my teens..  it doesn't look anything like I thought it would..and most of the time thats fine. 

However, every now and again I get that sinking thud in my belly when I realise that I desperately wanted a family around me and I have not had my own children.  Its really come up this week strong within me (probably hormones and time of year!)  and yesterday when I went for my regular checkup with my consultants in London, the first thing I said was:

 'I've had enough of all the meds and not being able to do what I want to do in life'.  how about I come off my meds, go find a guy for a one nighter and try one last time for a baby?!"   

The Doctor smiled at me knowingly and talked me through the whole auto immune thing again and how the meds are really helping me!  Bless him!  I was only half serious! 

  Ive just looked back at my blog and I've written something around the theme of family most years around this time.  There seems to be some pattern that is coming back up at this point every year... hmmm!

Its a process...a process of acceptance, grief and moving on...and again and again.   At least I am conscious of what is occurring and know what is real and true...That I am blessed to be alive and living at this time!  

  I've recently connected with a lot of women in their forties going through similar feelings..its actually amazing how many of my generation have not had children.  Apparently its the highest number since the First World War. Thats interesting!

The 25th April 2013 blog post that inspired todays post:

“Yesterday a beautiful sister of mine gave birth to her third child down under in Australia...She had posted a picture of her very full tummy the day before and she looked so happy and divine.    When I read that she had given birth to a baby boy, so content I had an overwhelming sense of gratitude for Mother..and for this Mother serving humanity, evolution, for us all in this beautiful, natural way.  With that was the bittersweet tinge of sadness for the loss of my babies and the 'void' that I feel sometimes...however..the gratitude and joy that I experienced as well.. through feeling through this sister was stronger...it was almost as if I had experienced birth with her.

Later that day I was in the hairdresser and they were all talking about fertility, birth, miscarriages etc..and I welled up..knowing that within a few moments I would be asked that question...    my wonderful hairdresser spotted me and said "I promise you will be ok...you will love what I am about to do!"..which made me laugh as he didnt know I was being touched by something else.   My hair was amazing...worthy of tears of delight!

Last night some children that had been in my life until fairly recently got in touch through video/skype....a wonderful surprise..heart warming to see children in their innocence, talking about 'nonsense'...but hearing and feeling their love.  

Whilst writing this blog, that beautiful Aussie mamma has just posted some pics of her birth and new baby son... intense, primal, natural, earthy, divine, serving all,...birthing goddess!  I am so grateful to you sister!  Love thee for your beauty and service…"

:)

All is good!

Before I close, I just pulled an Amma quote card:

"Whether you lead a family life or the life of a renunciate, 

what matters is how you see life and the experiences it brings you"   

PERFECT!!!!!!!

as I laugh here...hitting the 'Post' button!

Namaste
X

A Journey of Woman: First Blog Post in 2015!! :)

A Journey of Woman: First Blog Post in 2015!! :): My first blog post for 2015!  I've not been drawn to write anything and yet so much has been happening to share.  I had been looking at ...

First Blog Post in 2015!! :)

My first blog post for 2015!  I've not been drawn to write anything and yet so much has been happening to share. 

I had been looking at whether I continue this blog and if I did for what purpose.  I've completed my book and yet resistant to going public with it...largely for the same reason,  why?  I'm no longer sure I want to be 'out there', writing about some fairly intimate, personal stuff...I'm not sure I 'want' any backlash or any negative reactions..and yet on the other hand, I am who I am...and always willing to share when asked...paying no heed to how it is responded too.  In the written form though, it feels more permanent.    I also know that people that have chosen not to be part of my life now are still reading this and that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable (especially exes!), that they would rather read my 'diary' than pick up the phone to chat, to see how I am..where it is more a two way conversation...much more honest and open.    However, such is life and I will know what to do when I do!

The biggest change for me has to be my move...after five wonderful years, I have moved out of my wee cottage in the valley and moved to a house on the top of the hill instead!  A bigger and more private space, large windows, nice and light, wonderful views, spectacular sunsets and a bigger garden for Milo...and a pub within walking distance!  (I don't really drink..but handy when I didn't have the Internet).  I had so much support and help with my move, it happened very quickly....  But once the decision was made, the universe made it all fall into place.  

It was bittersweet leaving the woods and the land at the farm and sad that those that I had considered 'friends' weren't able to say goodbye for some reason..however, the energy has moved quickly to my new place.  With more light and space, I am much more able to see the sky, which I had been missing and that feeling of the outdoors even when it's cold or wet.  

It feels like I am moving into a new phase of my life....so watch this space...

Namaste
X

some pics of last nights sunset - the view from my lounge!  Its never boring!

Year End Blog...

Year end... I haven't blogged for a few months, lots happening but never had the draw to write.

This has certainly been A year of goodbyes; to those that felt the need to move out of my life, a letting go of my ego self wants and needs in what appears to be 'my life', a surrender to being 'halted' by a dvt and a broken foot and to two wonderful women that physically passed this year,  Early in the year, my Sister Nicola with cancer whom I hadn't grown up with but had always accepted me as family.  Then just before Christmas, my ex mother in law whom I had not seen since my divorce.  Affectionately known as 'Mrs G', a powerful, sometimes formidable woman but who was always so generous and giving.   Both funerals a right of passage of sorts, closure, full circle, reconciliation, forgiveness, love, compassion for those acknowledging their own mortality and appreciation of life!

All I can say right now is that I know that 2015 is going to be a huge year..one of big changes!

Namaste..  X

Ps..how many of us did the 'jar of happiness'?  Time to empty out the notes, reminders and let them go..to move on to the next...with a huge YES!  

Soooo long! Stone circles, revisiting the past...again!!

Oh...its been a long long while..  So much has happened, changed, ..so quickly, I haven't been able to keep up with things to write them on here.  Its been hard enough to keep on top of it all day to day...maybe you all have been experiencing stuff so much, you are spinning!

It seems to have been a time for me to revisit much of my past, in terms of health and relationships.  I have had a few gatherings at my place which have been in themselves, mini retreats and I have also visited inside Stonehenge again and beloved Avebury too.

Some pics from Stonehenge at Starlight are attached - a stunning night, lying in amongst the stones in our small group and watching one of my sisters in her delight of experiencing it all for the first time.

My father has been unwell for a couple of months..its been hard to watch his deterioration and vulnerability but humbling to be able to help him, support him and mum.  That has brought up stuff about losing them physically and also how it will be on my own without them being around as there is no other family.  He's a little better right now, so hopefully over the worse.

A visit to Avebury to be with some friends in amongst the stones for a birthday turned out to be a serendipitous (fave word!)  day.   Randomly meeting an ex as I was leaving and then spontaneously sharing a few lovely hours talking and enquiring about life.  It was amazing to hear him speak of his realisations and how he yearns to fulfill his life's purpose or destiny.  Beautiful to watch him go with a renewed connection to that that had opened in him and his determination to follow his heart and take that leap!  On with his journey whatever he decides. 

I've had a couple of episodes of hemorrhaging badly..have got into what could have been the most embarrassing situations.  But to me, it was life...there was nothing I could do but surrender.    No surprise that I have since become anemic again...so find myself building myself up with iron tablets again and looking for ways to stem my bleeding, given I am also on blood thinners!  

It felt like I was literally being drained of my life force, of life..a real clearing out of the past in my womb.  Maybe connected to my visit to the sacred circles?   This is a repeat of what happened a year or two after I first awakened.  This time it is also bringing up stuff around my miscarriages, my femininity, my fertility and purpose as a woman on a human, physical level.

Having been resting up and hibernating a little, I have been able to finalise my book.  Reading through and writing the final chapter, allowing me to delve so much deeper, uncovering things that I thought had been cleared.

It has now been sent off to the Publishers and things have since gone a bit quiet!

I have been going through a bit of stuff about whether I actually want my story out there.  I got a lot of flack for starting a blog and writing as I do, what will my book do?  People that haven't gone through a similar journey can be quite judgmental and what I write can push peoples buttons, push their conditioning and boundaries.   Am I ready for that challenge?    Hey, that is my life you might say, I have that in any case...but this feels more 'out there'.    I have been having my doubts that I can actually do this.  Once it is on the net as an ebook, its there forever.  It feels like whatever I may want to do in the future, it might come back to bite me?  But then I reason, well I don't hide my past in any case from anyone?  I am who I am!   hmmmmm....

In any case, the publisher guy has gone quiet!!  Yes, my story is revealing, revealing about me and my life..but it also (hopefully) allows the reader to see something else, a deeper meaning, to feel some truth in how they live their own life or how they could live their life fully, in truth.  We will see how it all transpires.  I had hoped to have it all done by the time I visit Ireland in a couple of weeks but we will see.

I am going on a short retreat, staying with an Irish sister, hopefully visiting some stone circles and today I heard Amma is going to be over there at the same time as well.  Maybe a visit to see her as I haven't seen her for many years.    I cant wait to feel the land, breathe the Irish air and spend some time away from here.

Namaste.

X

Irritation or message to clear out and be ready for the new?

Returned from an amazing retreat to an infestation of fleas in my cottage!  :(

As milo my dog had been looked after away from home, the little lovelies had a bit of a breeding frenzy in the hot weather...and waited for the first blood feast to enter!   :)

So a quick 'retreat'. (Lol) and stayed elsewhere for the night... Pest control came and worked their magic and I can return to the cottage tomorrow...   My cottage feels like it has had a mega clean out...shifting of energy out.  Ready for the new!

So... Fleas... All about Metamorphosis.  The Ability to alter time within the life cycle, Ability to trigger a birth process by the use of light, vibration, or the various components of air.   :). Alchemists!

Namaste

Ps.. The retreat?  A very subtle but still profound 12 days..  Much seeing about the need to be who I am..regardless of whether the seeming 'other' is aware of who they are or not!  More authentic....no monitoring or adapting protecting either my self or theirs... As we are all one!

Retreat and fireflies...

Well...  On an amazing retreat in Tuscany right now.  Just a few days in and hotting up nicely.  Still on crutches for slopes and rocky paths..but all good.  Humbling to accept support from others...watching the play of self being 'independent' and also the honouring of the gift of others in their wish to assist...that is love.

Tonight a group of us watched the fireflies at play in the field and the trees,,,beautiful,  then a beautiful lady managed to catch one to show us a close up. As it was released, it flew onto my neck and crawled into my shawl...it glowed all the way, every few seconds.

Amazingly, it stayed over my heart for a few minutes.  We tried to capture the sight in a picture which was unsuccessful.  I caught it and it crawled up my arm before flying away into the trees... Truly a magical moment.

Meaning of firefly...

This is about light, illumination,   An ordinary looking creature during the day, the firefly is a remarkable sight when it glows at night.  It uses light for communication.    This is a symbolic message to us humans..that although our physical appearance may seem one way, it is our internal makings, what is inside us, that makes us shine from the inside out.

That which is with us will always illuminate us and those around us.


A powerful message for me as at times these past few months, I have become uncomfortable with how my human body is looking through being housebound and not being able to exercise....whilst at the same time KNOWING that the light within shines through...through my movement, through my eyes, through my smile..  Thank you Firefly for this reminder..

Namaste
X

There is sickness, there are broken bones... I am not sick nor am I broken!

I am blessed...

 There is sickness, there are broken bones... I am not sick nor am I broken!

I watched milo, my faithful dog being walked by his adoptive mama/walker across the fields on the downs..   I sat on a bench under a majestic oak tree, dappled sun, amazing views of  the hills.  As I watched them ramble away,  I caught my mind saying "ugh'. Can't remember when I could go on such a ramble with milo"......

I Stopped because I realised there was a smile coming through my body, there was a joy...I knew that milo was loving his freedom, he was all smiley and bouncy, his adoptive mama was enjoying his company and I was feeling it all...sat on my bench under the tree.  I had tears of joy, gratefulness and happiness that I could cultivate this joy out of this situation, 'this current bowl' I had been given ...instead of feeling sadness at some misguided thinking I was missing out,  nonsense, I could feel their joy, I am part of it, we are all connected.  Truly blessed.

My body sang with it.. I finished the book I had taken with me, I managed to cross my one good leg in "lotus' position, and I gazed at the flowers, the insects and the clouds.

Truly blessed and grateful for those that surround me, love me, support me.  :).

Namaste

Lissy

Ps...  The book I had been reading is "how to be sick" by Toni Bernhard.  I recommend this for anyone with any illness, chronic condition!  Amazing insights in there....    :).

A Journey of Woman: Neglected Blogging... Hello!

A Journey of Woman: Neglected Blogging... Hello!: Hello!  Well I lay down with my laptop about to final edit my book...but was drawn to write a blog post instead.  I have neglected my bl...

Neglected Blogging... Hello!

Hello!  Well I lay down with my laptop about to final edit my book...but was drawn to write a blog post instead.  I have neglected my blog for a few months..there has been so much transforming and happening that I couldn't keep up with what was occurring to write about it. 

Now though, I am house bounded again, this time with a broken foot..yes the health and bodily stuff continues for me!  I was just about recovering from a DVt, beginning to get fit again and I tripped over some broken concrete...been hobbling around for two weeks before I got x rayed and discovery of broken bone!  I laughed!  Seriously!?!

For those that follow my Facebook page, you will know that I have had random visits from pigeons wrecking my lounge, a lightening strike in my cottage that knocked out my router, a continuous bleed from my womb which resembled a horror movie massacre at times..also beautiful gatherings of friends for well dressings, birthdays and profound sharing retreats at my place.  Another piece of past, part of history being let go of...the off grid chalet where I had many wonderful memories as well as grief for our lost babies..may the energy of the chalet garden continue to touch and give peace to those who visit.  (Picture of Chalet Garden with gift of flowers layed when I left for the last time)

This has been a time of acceptance that I have no control over anything.. that I have to be who I AM.. and not be concerned with what others think about me.  This has been challenging when it comes to potential intimate relationships, friendships, family and people that enter 'my' life. I hardly sleep yet I am fully awake!  It truly is time to put my head up, stand tall (albeit with crutches!) and follow up my knowing. 

Everytime I have tried to edit the book or write something, the power has gone, my laptop has died and instead I have been laying in my garden looking at the birds and the clouds.  I have been reading an amazing book called "how to be sick".. Written by someone with auto immune disease.. She shares much of the same philosophies as I do..truly inspiring and worth a read.

I also discovered an American tv series called 'under the dome' , based on a Stephen king novel (please no one tell me what happens!). It's got me hooked as it intrigues me with the sci fi aspects and effects and towards the end of series one, there is the birth of a single Monarchy Butterfly.. It flutters around the key characters in the story.  So beautiful and a powerful.  It's a message of transformation for those living under the dome.

Reminded me of the butterflies I greeted in Tuscany last year, sleeping in Room 11, The Butterfly room, of the butterfly that flew around my legs as I was speaking in a heart share group and then flew from under my skirt....  This summer, I have planted a pot of nasternums next to my Buddha..especially for the butterflies to lay their eggs...giving the caterpillars nourishment when they hatch.    This afternoon I noticed that the front of the book 'how to be sick' also has a butterfly on it.   

It is time to care for my cocoon once more...refresh, renew, nourish and transform... 

I will be returning to Tuscany in a couple of weeks. 

Namaste

X

Sent from my iPad

A Journey of Woman: Where did February go??

A Journey of Woman: Where did February go??: It's been quite a couple of months...February seems to have gone by in a blur.  Blood clots developed into a DVT and I also have anaemi...

Where did February go??

It's been quite a couple of months...February seems to have gone by in a blur.  Blood clots developed into a DVT and I also have anaemia and other deficiencies now diagnosed.  All that means more Meds added to my daily regime.  I have been housebound with lots of visits to doctors and hospital for some pretty grim tests and procedures.  Have had amazing support from friends and family..for them I am grateful.

In amongst that, emotionally things have been tough as well... I attended my youngest sister's funeral last week.  She had been battling cancer for a long time.  The thing is I didn't really know Nicola.  I was adopted and I didn't meet her until I searched out my birth mother when I was eighteen.  Right back then, when I first met Nicola and our middle sister Lynsey, it was a surprise to find out that they had always known about me, were eager to get to know me.  They were both at school at the time, I was in my first job..it was all a bit overwhelming to me to suddenly inherit a new family, sisters, grand mother...aunties, uncles, and cousins that I resembled physically and who knew all about me.   

Through the years I have seen them grow up, have families of their own, look out for each other and they have welcomed me with open heart and love whenever we have got together..which sadly I feel now, was not often enough.  These last few weeks, I have been unable to visit Nicola due to my own ill health but at least we did get to speak on the telephone briefly a few days before she passed.

It all felt a bit surreal...not being part of the family as such, but deeply feeling that blood connection.  My old self stuff of not being wanted, feeling left out, even guilty and had feelings that it should have been me...which is purely selfish...I recognised that.  At the end, her passing was peaceful and surrounded by all who have been part of her life and loved her...she is no longer suffering and in pain.  There is no separation...she will always be part of me and in my heart.

And for my other sister, Lynsey, whilst I can never replace the bond she has with Nicola...I will be here as 'big sis' whenever she needs..  And for our mother..I am not going anywhere..

On death...and living...

A few weeks ago, when it was thought I might have an embolism as well, there was an evening when I was in a lot of pain, I had an infection, fever, breathlessness and hallucinations.    I could hear my heart beat..the one heart beat..and that familiar beat of 'om' ringing.

I knew I was experiencing another full circle.. it had been a blood clot that almost killed me many years ago...it was that that woke me up, changed my life... In that moment, 17 yrs ago, I was not afraid of death..I was surrendering to dying...I was willing to go, even with my family around me pleading otherwise..

That particular evening however, I felt vulnerable in a different way, I was on my own, no family around me pulling me back, ..there were tears..when the hallucinations began, I brought myself back, I wouldn't stay with any fear...

It was not a fear of dying, but of the sadness that I may not LIVE!

Get the difference? 

This is what I wrote following that night..

"I want to fulfil my purpose....i want to live fully... I am called to serve humanity... I know who I am, I know beyond this body mind experience and I surrender ever deeper to allowing this body to do its will.... For whatever transpires is the perfect journey!

I yet again have to gently move my self and it's 'wants' out of the way!"




After what happened with Nicola, that experience becomes even more poignant to me..  
Ready for my new stage in life to start!   :)

A Journey of Woman: Past coming round..completions.. Rural retreats!

A Journey of Woman: Past coming round..completions.. Rural retreats!: First Full Moon of the year!  and my, cant we feel it!  First blog of the year...  much has transitioned since my last entry. Visitors and f...

Past coming round..completions.. Rural retreats!

First Full Moon of the year!  and my, cant we feel it!  First blog of the year...  much has transitioned since my last entry. Visitors and friends have now all left after festivities and birthday, clots dissolved and lurghies disappeared!   The New is coming in and there is an optimism surrounding everything...acceptance of what cannot be changed and continued loving of all that is...

Its been a weird old week for me and today I have been hibernating, meditating, writing and reflecting..

Last week I helped out a friend in a demonstration of 'biodanza' for a local Womens' Institute Group..lovely to see how he could command a room of 60 women, aged from their fifties upwards in moving and feeling in ways they had never done before.    Many were nervous of looking into each others' eyes, moving with freedom, moving to the different music being played...ALL were beautiful!  A few were touched by it as I was and there were tears of recognition of sisterhood and love. 

Last weekend, I bumped into my ex hubby..we haven't seen each other for some fifteen years. For what seems like minutes, there was  nothing to say..we just looked into each others eyes.  When words were spoken it was loving and with a recognition of the journey we have both taken since our separation.  A bit surreal to see how his body has changed, hair turned grey and yet his eyes were still as smiley and sparkly as ever they were!  After a while, we hugged and said goodbye, he spoke of how great I looked..warmed me with his tenderness.

Then as I was waiting to meet someone in town a few days later, I watched a familiar face walk past me in the street...it was an old friend from when I was married....again, I hadn't seen him for over fifteen years either.  Disbelief that it had really been that long since we had all got together as a group of friends, a catch up and again a tender goodbye and wish to be remembered to the others.

Surreal and yet it felt like there was some completion of yet another circle from my past.  Out of all the sadness, grief and bitterness surrounding our separation..years later an acknowledgement of love that was always underneath it all.  We had been a big part of each of our 'growing up' in life...

A week of action in amongst reflection.  My book is nearing the top of my pile to complete and send off (I know said it before!)...and I have now set a date for me to hold the space for a rural retreat.  Details of which follow if any of you are interested...lets see how it manifests!

Namaste

Lissy
X

Come and Join me in a beautiful location in The Teme Valley to learn or deepen in the movement 

of  The Form - Reality Practice™. 

The Form is a profound instrument of awakening.  

Uniquely, it can be practiced alone or shared with another.

Saturday 1st March - Sunday 2nd March - Parts 1 & 2

Monday 3rd March - Tuesday 4th March - Parts 3 & 4

(Parts 1/2 and 3/4 can be taken separately for those only able to attend at the weekend)

Why not immerse yourself in the experience and attend on a residential basis.   Four star accommodation with access to a sauna, hot tub and therapy room available.

"Begin to see how Source as the "Real You" moves, how the Mystery unfolds and bring this alive 

in every moment!"

For further details, please message me via Facebook or email me at : lisa.matthews@realitypractice.net

Year End...Grateful thanks....

Been an age since I last wrote!  Unfortunately the health issues have continued and I did end up with some blood clots in my leg to deal with along with an on going cold.    Luckily the clots were in the superficial veins but they were still very painful...it was very empowering though to be able to do my own heparin injections in my tummy! 

It's a weird time of year for me...it seems there are always beginning and endings around Christmas time.  Throughout my life I have noticed that that period between Xmas and New year, separations or drama of some sort happen..and in each late February, early spring, a new beginning or change of some sort comes into my life.  It's actually quite magical if it wasn't so bloody painful at times.  I always hope that that year is the last year that the pattern repeats.    My first ever relationship..with my birth mother ended soon after birth with a separation.  Between Xmas and new year she was preparing to give birth to the daughter she already knew she was giving up for adoption eight weeks later. 

A new Being entered my life briefly early Winter then disappeared over Christmas.  That fleeting romance showed me so much.  It showed me how I had built a wall of resistance and distrust of man..I had built in a radar to hunt out 'controlling' behaviours and it was astonishing (and actually sickening) to watch me on the look out for the slightest hint of such behaviour.  I knew it wasn't my true self though as I could witness it as from my ego self...based on past projection...I was honest and vulnerable in my sharing of this...bless him, his true masculinity in holding that space.

This man got through that wall with perseverance and gradually I let down my guard..I stepped in fully.  Although  it was for only a short time..it was amazing.  Maybe I was a fool, duped or even 'played' given the outcome...maybe my initial doubts were actually founded...I will never know.  However, the lesson was about remaining open to love, trusting and I will endeavour to not re build that wall again when the times comes.  So thank you..you know who you are.  :)

2013 was a siginificant year for my spiritual growth..obviously attending a retreat in Tuscany and a visit to Assisi.  My meeting with St Francis and my return to 'the masters feet' as it were.  The master being source or god, not any particular deity or teacher..the absolute.  It was also where I realised myself and truly became one with everything. 

I have written a book about my journey but have been unsure how to complete the ending. Initially, it was to end at that point in Tuscany when I had re dedicated my life to, serving Source..but Source then 'pushed' me into the path of the masculine, showing me to serve unconditionally, to surrender completely and go beyond any body mind attraction, for the sake of, the whole, for humanity, for evolution.    This was a whole new ball game for me..to be with a man I was not drawn to physically..beyond any body mind identity...it has happened twice this year.

I continued to write about this, about how the feminine presence opened and invited, about her sadness and her compassion for the masculine who cannot meet her....but of course, there is no clear cut 'ending', no official finish line, the journey continues. So  I feel that the book will end at Tuscany, I cannot delay or procrastinate it any longer and I aim to get it 'out there' very soon..

So, thank you to all the readers of my blog...I am so honoured and grateful that you share in my journey.

Let's look forward to 2014...whatever life throws at us... Bring it on!

"KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE, KNOW YOURSELF!"  XXX

A Journey of Woman: Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. ...

A Journey of Woman: Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. ...: It has been a long while since I last wrote.  Much has transpired and I needed to surrender to it all and I didn't want to write public...

Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. :)

It has been a long while since I last wrote.  Much has transpired and I needed to surrender to it all and I didn't want to write publicly.  I did still write for myself as that is what I do..and I have brought into this piece the 'ramblings' of the last month or so..

I have had to face numerous health issues...it seems that life wanted me to re-explore health concerns from the past and I have gone through many tests, numerous visits to consultants from different disciplines..blood clots, eye problems, cervical cancer, trachea narrowing, knee injury.  As one letter of appointment or concern after another dropped through my door, I sank deeper and deeper.. 

During this period, I also travelled through a journey of  'spiritual' crises and experienced dark night of the soul stuff.  This was to be celebrated...accepted...  I had been brought to my knees once more..I am blessed.

I felt so alone and yet knew I was not separate.  I felt outside, in excile, in madness, caught between the old and the new possibilities.  Projects were not coming through, my life felt stuck and I felt inadequate.  I couldnt go back..I would not quit.  Along with those feelings of depression, I remembered the unending divine connection..I am that...

Physically as well, my body was screaming..Every muscle, bone and cell seemed to ache so deep that there was no way to get relief and I was so tired all the time.  I was and still am spinning out as if I have vertigo.  I had to travel many miles to appointments and have unpleasant tests undertaken.  Milo had his dog walkers, my mum helped with shopping, I felt like I would never surface..It took tremendous energy not to get into 'poor me' stuff. 

My teacher, satsang, books, positive thoughts, friends, possessions, money, music, meditations, even distractions could not not relieve it.    Suicide ..not even that...absurd..pills from the doctor for depression...no way, I am beyond this body mind and I didn't want to be robbed of the experience, be numbed in any way.

I trusted in what was happening, knowing it was necessary..I had to surrender to it and just 'be'.  After the blissful presence I had entered at Tuscany, I knew that I didn't need to 'feel" that bliss in order to be it.  I had to stay with the knowledge of it..it took tremendous energy and devotion.   My beloved teacher told me it was the integrative process and It was something not to be rushed...I knew there would be light again.

The majority of the health concerns turned out okay...I had a knowing they would be fine.  But its a real test when you are getting told my various 'professional's that they see something amiss, even though you dont believe it. 

I had experienced these feelings of despair and loneliness before when I returned from my first ever residential retreat and had my first realisations but that was many many years ago. That time I was married and surrounded by family..but still felt so alone.  There was much concern from loved ones who didn't know what to do and I didn't know at the time what was happening to me.

It's a time when you don't belong in the old way of life, yet you don't fit in any other reality either, the new life.  We are told that this is a path of joy and yet my life felt empty..and yet again there is also a knowledge that you cannot go back...that would be like going to prison.

There has to be acceptance first, trust and the knowledge that there is no separation, that I am that absolutely..regardless of how it looks or feels.

Slowly the darkness has dispersed..catching glimpses of light and hope.  Negative thoughts that had previously washed over me as soon as I opened my eyes could no longer take hold..once more I could breathe!  Friends have come and supported me in so many ways.. helped around the house, with Milo, feeding me or just staying with me.. virtual friends from lands afar have listened to my rants and in turn threw light in some very dark places as we share similar health challenges.   I thank all my angels!  X  I have re organised my house, got it in order, chucked out so much 'stuff' on so many levels, getting myself out to communicate with new people.....ready for the new...here it comes!  :)

:)

Bringing you all up to date..I have experienced much laughter these last few days...it's been amazing, powerful, beautiful, emotional and I admit even a little scary to catch myself smiling randomly.  Much energy has and is being transformed and I am blessed and grateful to all around me, old friends and to new beings arriving in my life!  :)


Sunny, crisp, frosty Autumnal day today..magical....ahhh...deep breath!   Here goes....to how life unfolds!  :)

Namaste

Lissy.x

A Journey of Woman: All clear..but there was another reason to go to h...

A Journey of Woman: All clear..but there was another reason to go to h...: Well today I was given the 'all clear' ...the hospital scans didnt show up any blood clots so I can now stop injecting myself with b...

All clear..but there was another reason to go to hospital! Such synchronicities! :)

Well today I was given the 'all clear' ...the hospital scans didnt show up any blood clots so I can now stop injecting myself with blood thinners :)  Fatigue has subsided today to  - so I have just made an Apple Pie with fresh apples from the orchards!  :)

BUT...there was a reason I was in hospital today.. The nurse was taking down my medical history and when I mentioned the RP, she put her pen down and looked at me. 

I had a shiver go through me and a download of energy and asked her what was wrong.   She was having cartliage issues herself and was having trouble getting a diagnosis...ah I said...thats why I am here then!  But the 'coincidence' didnt stop there... she asked me who my consultant was in london...as I said Dr D Cruz..she laughed and said she had just heard about him from her dental nurse.  I had another download of energy and said..right this is why I am here today!   It was my turn to laugh... this dental nurse you go to  is she in Evesham by any chance?   Yes she said...my god..its you...   Yes!  I laughed! ...I had told the dental nurse about Dr D Cruz a whilst back as her mother was having similar symptoms..  As it turned out, the nurses had had a conversation about 'me' last week...and the mother was now getting sorted out and the recommendation of Dr Cruz was passed on!     Thats how it works!

We were both pretty shocked but then again I wasnt...it was all perfect.  Interestingly, she had once lived i the same village as I do now..it does make me wonder if there is something environmental causing this increase in auto-immune issues!  I shared some hints, and discussed the fatigue that comes with auto immune stuff etc and she shared her progress thus far with the local rheumys...and she also felt that there would be no blood clots in my system but that we had to go through the motions.  

We hugged each other warmly as I left and she thanked me for having passed on the info.     This again is another confirmation that life does work out...flow as its meant to...regardless of how it seems at times. On Saturday I was so tired and was feeling pretty 'alone' with it all...I had also heard that day that my sister had got blood clots in her lungs and was having blood thinners.  But I knew at the same time, I was okay...it was body mind stuff and I am so much more than that.   It was empowering to me to be able to self inject so easily and there was a knowing that whatever symptoms I was showing of clots was really just my cells transforming..

Grateful thanks to the NHS yet again!

Namaste
X

A Journey of Woman: St Francis Synchroncities, Blood clots and full ci...

A Journey of Woman: St Francis Synchroncities, Blood clots and full ci...: Well since my last post, much has transpired.  Visiting friends in Devon a couple of weeks ago, we watched The Celestine Prophecy - based ...