Surrender..Love..Truth of Life.

A sister sent me this poem yesterday.. such truth!  

I will love you unconditionally.
Every day I will let you go.
You are free my love.
...Where so ever you tread
I will love you.
In whoever's arms you may lay
I will love you.
Whenever you come to me
I will honour every moment
as a gift of new-ness
unexpected.
I will hold you in my arms
as if it were our first time.
My heart is ever open.
There is only Love.

~Yuri Leitch ~

This says more about what is occuring in my life right now than anything else I could write....

Yay! Breath still 'quiet' and I feel amazing!

Wow!  My body just feels so amazing right now.. I hadnt realised how weak/low it had got!  I'm still getting out of breath when going up stairs/up hills. but its significantly better..and hardly any coughing or husky voice!  Unsure whats made the difference, stricter diet with the added avoidance of tomatoes and onions or the herbs that I've now been taking for two weeks!  Whatever..I love how my body feels...so much so, that its a shame I have no one to share it with right now!

Just been on another walk with the dogs through the countryside.. amazing clear day, with sunshine and blue skies..the autumn colours so striking - it feels like I am in Spain or somewhere.   3 buzzards circled the woods and kept swooping into the valley below..I felt like I wanted to soar with them!   Hugged my sacred trees, sending love and light to my beloved.   I am so thankful to be alive!  My heart is open and singing loud....

Quiet Breathe! Air filled lungs....aahhhh!!!

What a delightful day!  Sunshine and being able to breathe in a way that I havent felt for so long!  The steroids have I would say kicked in and although no longer taking them, it will brilliant today to be able to walk fast through town, up hill, breathe deep in my belly and 'listen' to my almost silent breathing!  Amazing!   I went for a big walk with the dogs....soaking in the last of the days sunshine...and expressing delight at everything.

Earlier today I went to a family funeral..I'm not religious but my mother is..  We sat together in the crematorium, she singing, praying and crying...I closing my eyes in remembrance of a cousin that used to 'look after me' when I was small.  In later years, we used to bump into each other at car boot sales and compare our bargains...  I watched the outpouring of grief, sadness, tears as we stood outside afterwards, my mum comforting her niece as she sobbed on her shoulder.  I hadnt seen my mum taking that role before - it was weird watching.  I loved how she held her niece tight..  the energy seemed to go through my body into the earth.  Phil - I think of you with gratitude and a smile.

To end the day, I am typing this and it feels so good to not hear my breathing being so laboured...  I choose deep, clear breath.

Loving connections, Foraging Feast and re-connections...

Had an amazing weekend away..with friends 'old' and 'new'...  Was wonderfully held and loved by man which enabled me to reach a depth in loving that I have not had for a while now in a physical way.  I felt the clearing and release of emotion and past that had built up inside as he moved and we surrendered to the depth of loving.  I left feeling more 'woman', lighter, and enlivened..

The Foraging Walk was brilliant - a few hours exploring woods by the coast with a bunch of great people and two very knowledgable and interesting leaders..  Learnt such a lot and managed to bring home some Porcelain mushrooms and Cep Mushrooms - apparently very sought after!  both were delicious in my tea tonight!  Will definately go down to do some more work with these guys.   www.eatweeds.co.uk http://www.foragingcourses.com/

Then returning home last night, to meet up with Milo who had been taken care of by my ex..they had had a wonderful weekend together with loads of walks - wearing Milo out - which is much appreciated!  Bittersweet meeting..  so wanted to not have feelings for him, but of course I do still.  He treated us to some supper which was delicious and he opened up a lot - he is certainly on a journey of his own right now.. and its right that he is on his own to do it.. So much opening up, releasing of the past and letting go.. moving on in so many ways.  Obviously there is sadness that I am not part of it, but really touched by how he is opening to life, trusting life more..and grateful for the part I did play in his opening to the journey.

I have to trust life too..of course She know what she is doing!

Herbs, Steroids..exes!

Another crappy nights sleep - its been ages since I had a good nights sleep..  last night though, I had a temperature,headachy and thoughts of exes!  bah!

Taking some herbs prescribed to me by a herbalist...and then starting a weeks course of Steroids..couldnt stand the sstruggle to breathe and cope with no sleep any more.  feel a little disappointed in myself as I feel I ought to just go with the herbs and get through it..but...  the steroids are only for a week!

Met with the ex last night to give him Milo to look after for the weekend whilst I am away...bittersweet meeting.  Still as gorgeous to me as ever, I still love him!  Bloomin annoying - it would have been perfect to have not felt anything when I was with him..so hard!    Hes shifting loads, moving, going through lots of past death stuff..he needs to the journey on his own I see that.. 

So up early..going to pack my stuff, get ready for the drive down to Devon...  a weekend of loving, friends and foraging!  I'm going on a foraging course during my stay - cant wait!

Update..vegan and gluten free pizza heaven!

Been a few days since I last wrote.. had a wonderful picnic... with hamper, blanket - all the works..  My friend had prepared some amazing delicious food and we lazed in the sun - blissful.  He is such good company, makes me laugh and treats me well...just a shame that I am not drawn to him in any other way!

had a couple of days working on a project - really got me back into the 'world of work'...frustrations with pc's, servers, and salesmen!  Couldnt sleep last night, kept tossing and turning over bits and pieces...dont need to go down that route again..but no matter how I tried to relax, meditate, read, whatever, the thoughts of work crept in.  Amazing how quickly it can take me over again...good job its part time! 

Tonight, went to see eat, pray love film again (second time) - although a lot of people slate it, I enjoyed it both times.. and in fact would go and see it again!  Love the story - must get the book..makes me want to go on a quest again.   Tonight though followed the cinema with a wonderful Italian restaurant that serves vegan and gluten free pizza's...ahhhh!!! heaven indeed..

tomorrow seeing the ex for the first time in months to give him Milo for a few days - hes looking after him for me whilst I go away on a foraging course.  Not sure how I feel about the prospect of seeing him again, nervous, excited...mmmm...trying to be just here and now!

Life is Short! Melancholy!

I've spent all morning dusting, hoovering, clearning, baking...feels good in my little cottage but cant help feeling just a little bit melancholy.  Swaying to some gentle music as I type this - quite frankly yearning for my lovers arms to be wrapped around me, swaying with me!

I watch as I dip into lonliness, sadness, yearning.. and then a shake...a shudder of my physical body.. to be fully here, now, present and alive!  I can close my eyes, right now.. and sink, sink into the depths of blackness..and can experience both bliss and despair..simultaneously it seems.

A friend is coming around for lunch and we going to a gig tonight - wonderful, and looking forward to it..but my mind comes in with 'this is the ex's fave band, his friend really, how will I feel tonight'   ...bah!  Tomorrow, a guy I recently met is treating me to a picnic somewhere - hes cooking some vegan food especially - I feel like a princess when I think about that... only thing is, he's not my beloved...

You see, black and white, darkness and light, positive and negative...sadness and happiness..illness and health.  All part of life, the divine plan..  wonderful really...human experience....

I promise I will remember!  

Diagnosis (ish), Magical moments, feeling my old 'master'

A few days again since I last wrote...  my doctors have finally said that they feel that I probably do  have relapsing polychondritis..which is an auoimmune problem, where I am attacking my own cartlidge.  Not a nice condition, its progressive for which there is no 'treatment'.  However, I know that on some level i created this condition so I truly believe that I can reverse it.. A life of relieving drugs and drugs to combat the side effects of those drugs I am sure is not the answer.  Whilst i await the various scans to access the progress of the disease, I will go in and love it through, release whatever issue, trauma or emotion I have taken internally.    Being more stricter on my vegan diet, having an 'alternative' body scan next week and just know that the right practitioner, path will show itself.. at the right time.

Yesterday, after being with the Doctor's, I met a 'new' friend at a country pub (yes ok a date!),  it was a stunning day so we sat outside, clear blue sky, hot sun showing the autumn colours in the trees.  The river was swollen from all the recent rain and above us for most of our lunch, was a group of buzzards, circling around, crying to each other..  stunning next to the clear blue sky.  Magical, Magical...  really showed me how blessed I am to be alive...  (the date?  well nothing romantic there but a great new friend that lives locally!)

I re-arranged the furniture in my cottage today.. like I wanted to 'start afresh' you know..  and cleared out the boxes that I had been hiding behind the sofa.  These were my last 'master's books...some of them very personal to him which he has left here as he lives abroad now.  As I took them out, and looked at them before putting them onto the bookshelves, each one brought to my mind a picture of him, our time together,..how blessed I am to have had that..how honoured I am to look after his books.. I plan to read many of them over the coming winter months.

Sacred Wood Pics...following heavy rains!

Potent Planet Mercury...how different do I feel!

Wow...  I don't recognise myself compared to where I was last week...  So much stronger, centered, together, and well... determined or focused maybe is a better word!

Although breathing issue still there, I can do things. walk, talk to people, get on with life!  Released so much it feels...  just had my feet done by a podiatrist... amazing similarities between us.  Similar age, similar story, partner left her on Good Friday.. so many couples I have heard split up on that day!  What was going on in the planets on that day!  Good connection anyhow...possibility of joining local women's group in the next village...well an excuse for a girls get together in the pub! 

A couple of days ago, was talking to a friend and admitted my constant longing, unreal thoughts, in both waking and sleeping moments...  it was good to get it out how I feel.  Nothing to be done with it, its fine and the next day, breathing is better!  coincidence or the Vitamin D working, hormones balanced out after period, had a virus???  healing crises to a treatment I had?  who knows??!!?? 

Astrologically, Mercury is coming into play right now... so getting our acts together, bringing us ingenuity on a stalemate situation which shows a way through, confidence, positivity, inspirations...oooo all good, all good...

bring it on!

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