Autumn around the corner...misty woods...skipping!

What an amazingly beautiful morning here in the Teme Valley.....

The sun is watery, clear blue skies, and a mist rising from the valley's....surrounding everything in mystery...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Just come back from walking in the wonderful woods..magical.. sunlight filtering through the trees...  lay against one of the oak trees and it was like she was holding me, nurturing me into her breasts....  I then lay my spine against another..and again, ecstatic energy flowing through.... so amazing to feel and breathe..  (yes i said breathe..)   and then I shared my blood with the moss, the bark, the forest floor....sweet.

and..you know what I did today... I skipped... skipped through the woods.. laughing...  I felt so free... and in love.. with life!  havent done that for such a long time..since I was little girl...  wonderful, awesome, magical....

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

More Letting Go... to the inner master..

Not sure whether this entry will get posted..we will see.  Yesterday, I spent the day at satsang with my 'once' master/teacher/lover,,,beautiful day of wonderful truth, reconnections with some 'old' faces and making connections with new ones too.

I love him and love the truth that he speaks, I honour him and am so grateful to have shared this amazing journey with him..  I have grown, and deepened also and whilst we could easily have made love, there was a knowing that that was not necessary, that I didnt see or feel the depth of presence, and that his physical body was so tired and weak.     Sharing in that way would not serve me or him at this time...I hesitated as my old pattern is one of 'holding on', doubting my knowing..and of course, I would have loved the physical touch from man and I at first said yes...but then reluctantly acknowledged to myself that that was what it was, and that it wouldnt be responding to what I know to be real.  


So, in true 'lisa' style when he left, I paced and watched as the voices argued with each other in my head..until I laughed out loud.  On the one hand, I knew that I had come into my own power more and had responded to my knowing of what will serve.., and another was..oh my god, what have you let go of, why wouldnt you, have you made a mistake bla bla bla.....

I sat in front of the Goddess Altar, the same Goddess that we had made love in front of many years ago...  I closed my eyes and sank into the blackness..the voices disappearing and acknowledging the inner master..  letting go of an external expression of the master, teacher, guru..

So I wake up today and there are no regrets, just a thankfulness that I/we responded to what was real in the moment..  I feel more that I have come into my own power, my inner master...and we will have served not only my true self, my body, his body, but the whole..  wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! 

I will still practice The Form, may even go to retreats, satsang... it is now time to serve the whole, be true to my purpose of being here at this time.

This entry has been posted public..I sat with it...  nothing is personal..  the whole purpose of writing this blog is to share the journey...if I left out some of the more intimate aspects, then that wouldnt be real or honest..  at the same time though, I am conscious of where I speak of another..  I will only share what is within me..not my projection of another.

A little footnote here... the english language is limited...for words are clumsy and inadequate...  there are no words to describe source, consciousness, truth....  so go beyond particular words..into the energy behind the words.....   

Aches, Pains, Nature and pig massage!

Not sure what to entitle this entry?  Anyway, after sitting in satsang with Bernie Prior last night, went home with the onset of a migraine/headache thing...it continued all night and this morning when I awoke, I felt like I had been hit by a bus!  The back of my neck was so painful...  a friend of mine who I spoke to later was experiencing the same thing...

So, I took the dogs into the wood, and allowed myself to be held by the trees, placing my spine and head against the bark, and closing my eyes.   Feeling the pain intensify and seemingly get worse..  So I sat and just listened to the birds and the water in the stream, noticing butterflies and ladybirds going about their business.

As I left the woods, I picked some peppermint for some tea and felt much better but tired.  Going through the orchard, one of the pigs started to follow me and nudge me gently (freaking Milo out!), until I stopped, and she lay down asking me for a massage - I obliged and she drifted off into pig dream land!  Beautiful Lady!

I've just opened my door to the sunshine, and there are loads of butterflies on the last of my buddlia.  I am so grateful for life.

I had a brief conversation with someone from the farm today...he was joking (well half joking) about his relationship wtih his wife...saying that he had had to cook his own breakfast etc...  I cant remember what I said but he looked at me..and said, there is no magic in our marriage any more....  that hit me..and I replied, well its up to you to show your wife, love her.. and he replied.. no, I have given up!    God, so sad... these comments were made in jest but there is a seriousness to them too....  they are from a different generation, where making do, just 'living' a day to day ..well just existing!   the whole thing really struck me...how different I am endevouring to live and demand....

Emerging..Sunshine at last!

Still been a strange few days energetically.  Went for a drive yesterday and it was as though someone else was driving...really floaty/spacy.. so took it easy!  Slowly though, I have come more and more back into my body.


Awoke at 3am, full of energy, aware that my body is awaiting its bleed..enabling me to come more into my body phsyically.  Loving words received via en email that I couldnt resist opening at that hour...enveloping me in warmth and 'yumminness' that enables me to go back into dream land easily..namaste!

So today, there is sunshine at last..after days and days of grey skies and rain, the sun is welcome.  I have walked with the dogs into the wood, embraced the trees and felt their heartbeats merge with mine..amazing and nourishing.   Tai chi and vocal yoga under the canopy, with droplets gently falling on me, refreshing, as if nudging me to keep present and in my body.

Have you ever stood under a canopy of trees after rainfall?  Stand there, arms outstretched to the side, and lift your head back... allow the droplets to fall down and gently touch you wherever they want to go.  Open your eyes and watch them.. its beautiful!  They can sometimes hit you in the eye and make you jump, laugh, even cry..  I imagine that they are little balls of wonder being tossed at me by elementals, fairies, angels, tree spirits etc..   wonderful.

Am I here?

Funny day..feels like Autumn has prematurely appeared..the full moon hidden behind grey clouds, its cold and windy..the fruit in the orchard is falling on the ground.

Although functioning just, I am aware I am going about my day as if I am hidden behind some sort of veil.  Even when other people talk to me, its as though it takes ages for their words to actually make any sense...typing this..seems like my hands are there..but they are miles away..

Walking in the woods today with Milo, it felt like I was walking on a few inches of air..not actually touching the earth..but I could feel the solidness and the softness of the bark of the trees...I savoured that.

Maybe, I am still coming back into my body after yesterdays blackout..maybe the moons energies are touching me deeply...  whatever, I surrender and leave this virtual world to allow fully.

New connections, Exploring...blackouts!

Not written for a while..been exploring a new connection with a beautiful, opening, young man that I met a short while ago...he has stayed a few days and its been wonderful to be 'seen', nourished and honoured by the masculine principle.  It is something that I needed at this time to remind me that man can see and love the goddess and adore pure femininity..  I have flowered!    Whilst neither of us can see potential for a 'relationship' in a romantic sense...we acknowledge that there is something that connects us in whatever way that unfolds..  

This morning I passed out at the hospital..I was just having a regular check up..and whilst the nurse was talking to me, I realised that I was starting to leave the body...  I started to heat up, voices echoing around..and sinking fast... but I fought it and asked for a biscuit or something to bring me back..  they didnt get chance..  the blackness came up on me suddenly and I just disappeared..

Its been many years since I have fainted (probably before I had my near death)..I have had some close calls. but this is the first time, I went all the way..since I experienced oneness, the absolute...  and you know.. it was a powerful experience.  Similar to going into the blackness through meditation say, but it enveloped me quicker..and I was not 'conscious' of entering the blackness.. 

Anyway... as I 'came back'... the jouney came back first through hearing voices again, and then faces peering at me and I seemed to be fighting something to get to the faces....it took me ages to make it through that tunnel and very painful!   Then I cried..realising I had disappeared but had come back!

A crash team had been called as I had stopped breathing for longer than the average faint.... I realised yet again, I had stopped breathing..  ironically all happened in the chest clinic, where they are looking at what is causing my breathing issues!   I go to tick the boxes and you never know they just might find something physical...but in truth I know..its down to me and my choosing on some level.

These wonderful bodies...my wonderful body.. that has been touched so beautifully, felt such wondrous beauty..with the power for health or creation of dis-ease...  AARRGGHHH!!!  Why do I keep wanting escape! 

New beginnings, openings..potentials...

Been quietly sitting with new potentials...looking through doors that are opening to me.... 

Magical, exciting, wondrous and a little scary too! 

Feeling what resonates the deepest...not having to make a choice..  trusting that I will be shown.

Live...Love....

Powerful women, flavours of dance, Kali!

Energies abound in the night...couldnt sleep and so it seems neither did some of my sisters!

Its amazing and humbling to share with sisters experiencing pain from what seems to be a loss of love, whether through separation, death or illness...  similar flavours of the same dance.    Its through this dance, ever deepening journey which is what allows us as women to reconnect with the source directly, feel and know that love directly with the beloved, regardless of the external play.    

We are truly powerful women!  We all have our own way of fulfilling this deep desire, to be fulfilled completely... and we truly already know that we cannot be separate from love for we are that.     I once lay next to the shell of the man that had once met me in divine union... the shape of the man was still there, but He was gone... it hurt, there was such longing for what had been, attachment to the past and unwillingness to accept what was in the present... for me, I lay in the darkness, placed my hand on my heart and abdoman, and breathed... breathed in love, consciousness and breathed out...closing my eyes and sinking into the sensation..I was not alone, I was never alone... I am love and connected to source directly...grateful to have had the expeirence of divine union..some never have or will ahve that direct knowledge!

And I have already written about connecting again through nature, through choosing a tree and melting into that that way...truly blessed we are!

however, we are in a physical human form, we are having a human experience..and we do feel emotions that need not be dismissed as in some teachings..  they are there to show us something real.. the difference is is that if we are conscious of what they showing us, then we dont get hooked into them or dwell/sink and lose ourselves in them.  Surely that is more real than denying that they even exist - which to me is another sneaky form of ego?

There are ways that we can love ourselves physically, in our human bodies;  it may be through meditation, music, dance, song, loving nature, hugging trees, healing, massage, sorting papers/files, cleaning windows, doing our nails, sorting our jewellery, gardening, making something....sisters, go now, write a list of everything you want to do... everything. on one sheet..not prioritise it, or put it into categories,,just list them.   And then take pleasure in going to that list when you have 'moments'  and choosing something to do off that list.... and then crossing it out when done!     Its wonderful and satisfying...

Onto where I currently am on this journey; I am being 'seen', being loved from afar, being pursued, being wooed...and it is wonderful!   My ears have not heard such devotion to She for a while...  I am also being seen as Kali..one that is capable of taking her knife of truth and dispensing with anything less with directness , honesty and love.  That is scary for man that approaches.. he must have the courage and strength to face her directly and be willing to die for She..  She is patient and surrendered.

I welcome and honour man that takes that step..

Amazing poetry, amazing truth..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=player_embedded

Whales. dolphins, realisations, healing...breath!

I have been on retreat for the last week or so, sitting with people I hadnt met before, discovering new paths, tools, flavours of dances...

for want of a better word, 'learning' something called 'Ilahinoor', brought through by a very humble man called Kiara.  It is an Energy transmissions that for me was as deep as 'The Form', which I have shared for years adn will contine to do so..  however, Ilahinoor is being shared in a very different way with humanity.  I will leave discussion of these for another time, but most significantly for me, was my recognition of a forgotten resonance with Whales/dolphin energy..

Kiara had an experience with a whale some years ago and he brings this into his work...  I remembered at the beginning of the week that I had been given a tape of whale/dolphin sounds when I was in hospital following my near death (13 yrs ago)..  I played that tape practically 24/7 for 6 weeks, continually meditating and experiencing so much on different levels of consciousness.  However, since then, I have never been drawn to play such music again.

That tape, took me in to such a calm, meditative state, that I was able to 'deal' with all that was thrown at me to clear at that time..  I took so much energy from the whales/dolphin communications...amazing!  How could I forget...I never said thank you!

At the end of the retreat this week, we worked in groups and I had the following realisation when it was my turn in the middle:

I went in, deep, into nothingness, blackness...easily.  ..I didnt want to breathe...just wanted to disappear and go home, into the cosmos...I had stopped breathing and it was wonderful..   however at some point, I was aware that the people around me had moved away and I knew my time in the session was over and I needed to move, and serve the others.  But to do that.. I had to take a breathe, return to my physical body and breathe again.. it was painful..   both the struggle to return, to breathe and come into my body and also knowing that I had a choiceless choice to return to serve...that was what I needed to do.

Its not the first time that has happened.. but I had 'thought' I had come through this and was accepting of the fact, I am here, in a body..and that I have a job to do.  but no, it came back.

I have unexplained breathing problems on a day to day basis...of course if I am not accepting that I am in the body, I am here.. of course I am having issues with this!  The others were saying, we want you here, come back, you have a job to do etc etc... I just shook my head and cried.


I was lead to lay down and not work on anyone else and I allowed my self to enter that nothingness again..knowing that the others were ok..  and it was amazing... I 'returned' (?) to the sea, was underwater, I could breathe under water..it was freeing...  and I danced with many whales, of different 'races', I could feel my own flesh and so enjoyed the breath underwater..    

At some point, I found that I had swum onto some land..half in water, half in the air.. and I struggled again..It was as though my flesh was transforming into limbs..and I slowly uncurled fingers, toes and could feel the sand underneath me...but each time, I tried to move..  I felt a hand on me, gently encouraging me to go back into the water...  and I surrendered to that...   that happened several times, each time, it felt I had evolved into another form, about to take the first moves and I would gently be pushed back into the water.

All this was new to me, I have never had a particular resonance with whales/dolphins and I cannot swim, hate having my head in the water... dislike boats..the lot!  However, there was such a clear message in all this, my reluctance to accept that I am here to serve in some way, the link with my own breathing problems etc.  I have never had suicidal thoughts and I would not choose  to leave this body that way...this is more a knowing that on some level, I can choose to leave and disappear..and that is tempting...but I also deeply know that I  need to be here in human form at this time.

So...I am inspired to go deeper into this water/whale connection - quite how as i cannot swim I dont know yet.  Maybe I dont need to.   I keep being told that I have a job to do, that I am needed..even this weekend several people said this and they hardly spent time with me..I shake my head at them..because I have no idea how to do this, what my purpose is.. I can only trust that this will become clear when the time is right...

If you want to know more about Ilhainoor or The Form, their websites are:

www.ilahinoor.net
www.bernieprior.org

still journeying..much to tell... but for tonight..Buzzard energy.

I was walking with a beautiful and opening  man yesterday along a river, through some fields..when we came across this bird of prey.. which I am thinking is a buzzard.  (perhaps someone can confirm?)

it stopped us in our tracks..beautiful, sacred moment..  we both gently touched the feathers, so soft... and a recent death, no sign of injury or being got at by other animals, just a few feathers scattered around..like it had fallen or something.

anyway.. I knew this was special..the wings fell around it like angel wings...that is what I was drawn to.. but my companion was drawn to its claws....powerful and strong message...   I really wanted to take its wings, but this was not practical so we said our own thanks and walked on..

I returned to collect it on my own today..it was quite a trek and I didnt really know if it was still going to be there..or what state it was going to be in.  It did seem like I/we had missed the moment..but I couldnt stop thinking about it.  It was there!  still lovely and special...  and now gruesome as it sounds, I have its wings and claws in salt drying out...  its wings spread out are magnificent...   I have never done anything like this before but I knew that I had to do it..myself..

The message of a buzzard is a symbol of death and rebirth, new vision, new beginning and purification of the mind and body.  It asks us to be patient with ourselves and be sure of how we feel before we enter the arena of our plans...  as a buzzard is patient when it tracks its prey.  It also acknowledges you are being noticed more for what you do rather than how you look, soaring above the difficulties of life.

It teaches us to use the sense of smell and discernment, and how to glide and soar with our own energy. it foretells of imminent changes.   It also teaches confidence and the ability to stand with dignity and soar with clarity and purpose. 

It is now time for me to soar above my own perceived limitations.     It is asking whether I am ready to assert actions from my ideas!

Thank you to that beautiful man for sharing in that moment...  the message of this is also for him too...     I wonder as he was drawn to the claws in particular, whether this is about 'grasping hold', taking the plunge, to dive for what he desires...as the buzzard dives for its prey...  masculine, powerful, purposeful, strength.... X

mmmmmmm!

amazing connections...realisations...flashes of inspiration...transmissions....

Yes, I have discovered there is internet access here.... however, endevouring not to get hooked in to this virtual world!

Seeing so many coincidences today...parallels... 

-talking of communing with whales/dolphins - my journey started with being given a tape of whale/dolphin sounds when I was lieing in hospital, strapped to my bed some 11 years ago...never played such 'music' since!  through to my ex visiting whales/dophins in the Azores.. to Nifer, a girlfriend doing exactly the same thing at this time!   What a gift these beings of the sea are......

-visits to crop circles, meanings etc..possibly acupuncture on mother earth... our (with ex) visit to the crop circle by silbury hill last year - I was very ill in the circle...  it was of a mayan headdress...my resonance with the mayan cultures, their prophecies,   to today discussions of that exact same circle, others..their possible communications etc etc

- visits to stone circles, sacred sites.. we have visited so many this last year...  together... and alone..  again,  all being brought up today in discussions...  allowing others to go on their journey..cannot guide etc etc

feeling my pain in seeing anothers faltering steps on their journey..and just being there to hold the energy from afar...or rather not even hold the energy.. just BE myself.. in my own power.. and let and trust life unfold!

sweet pain..sweet surrender...  I am being nutured here, with love, with touch, with beautiful food, countryside, fresh air and yes.. a hot tub!  Bliss!

Great to see more sisters reading, sharing my journey... please share yours too..

Disappearing..Travelling... Journeying...Re-discovering...

I'm disappearing for a while... travelling, journeying and re-discovering..

Lion, Goddess Sekhmet...

Just been reminded of the Goddess Sekhmet, linked with Lion...

she is closely associated with Kundalini..  She has a bad reputation, that of violence, blood lust, and sexual passion.  Represents death as well as powerful feminine sexuality.  She demands women to be in their power and not be afraid of judgement.

mmm... women were calmly putting their heads into the lions mouths...  practising...  courageous, showing their strength, power... facing their fear/demons..

Woods and healing

walked through the sacred woods today with Milo.. Hugged the 'mother tree' and felt her healing energy, soaking up and radiating it through my body. I sank in to the depths and could see myself standing there, holding the tree.. I could move all around, above, to the side.. all the while watching me hugging the tree.

Leaning my back against the tree, I asked for healing to my throat and for waht seemed like ages, just stood with arms raised, soaking in energy from above...in the sunlight coming through the leaves.

A new bird called in teh wood.. one that I had not heard before.. kept making me jump back into my body. I sat down facing the fallen half tree..milo lay down next to me and then just disappeared... Was aware of communing with beings, have had this before on retreat, but didnt stay with the phenomina, but danced with all beings, deities, all races..all one.

For this brief time, the sun was glorious on what is mainly a dull, grey day. warming my body, especially my throat... opening it wide, allowing the energy to travel all the way down to my yoni and then that opening wide too, allowing energy to flow from above to earth.. glorious.

On the walk back, I drank from the stream as Mother had asked me too, trusting her, and picked some peppermint to make some tea..

Lurgies, Dreams, Lions..

Disturbed night of feeling rubbish with sore throat, headache, runny nose....and many dreams..

The last dream stayed with me the most. I was sharing a house with the ex and his ex partner..all living together. He gradually got more distance until one day he said I must go..but she asked me to stay, that I was needed, that he would soften. He didnt, and as i was packing up my room, she was cleaning the windows repeating to me I must stay! Outside in teh garden, there was some sort of workshop happening..all these women were being trained how to put their heads into a lions head.. there were all these lions on the grass and the women were taking it in turns! Eventually, he came back to me (I was picking up cutlery off the floor) and said what will it take to help you leave....all the time, she was behind him saying stay... I woke up then, realising that there had always been three in the relationship, he had never stopped loving her, couldnt let her go..even though she had clearly moved on herself. He kept hold of her energetically and it had always been around...

So..if anyone knows of the significance of the lions etc, please let me know.. they feel significant!

I have delayed going off to Devon for another day... I feel unwell so will take it easy today, visit the woods maybe, and have one more night in my own bed before heading off...

Bleeding, nurturing, lurgies and dates!

Went really deep into my bleed yesterday.. the pain on this cycle was intense and really just wanted to be still and bleed on the earth..surrender to the pain and sink into it. I couldnt concentrate on any 'work', so re-arranged all my plants, pots etc and felt heaps better once I'g gotten my hands in the soil.

Got around to looking at the many emails/calenders I have about the astrological stuff this week..and apparently for all cardinal signs like myself, this period of time marks the beginning of a significant couple of years that will later be recognized as the beginning of a new chapter. Hmmm!! Fate will be expected to pull some more proverbial rugs from under more entrenched feet! (I am a capricorn goat!)... what more!?!?!? I have no rugs left to pull? mm. should i have said that?

So today, I woke up with a cold coming, my nose is all peppery, I have a sore throat and not really with it. Even so, I have done some errands on town, distributed some posters for an event/talk, chatted to a few people...and.. had a date! yes, a date! Nice enough guy but oh, I would so chew him up in pieces.. he was so painfully shy. Anyway, I practiced my 'leaning back', and had a lovely hour or so over lunch.

Of course, I have come back with thoughts of the ex again..no-one esle will match up..bla bla bla.... ugh! I wont listen to all this though...its so unreal.. moving on..

Festival..Heathrow Dash..Clarity again...

Cambridge folk festival was good.. discovered a couple of new bands that I enjoyed.. although overall, I found the whole experience hard going. In hindsight, perhaps it wasnt such a good idea..this was mixing in the scene that the ex was in..some of the bands he introduced me to were playing and I found myself thinking about him a lot..plus I started to bleed heavily whilst I was there... I do feel right now that I need to also let go of the circles/scene he moved in.

On the way home, I got a call for an emergency pick up of a friend that had become stranded at Heathrow.. and we stayed in a hotel togetehr overnight...and today, we spent the day sharing, talking and eating at a service station picnic area on the M40! My bleed allowing me to soften, and surrender more easily.. at times, the energy of the bleed today has been immense...stopping me in my tracks. We spent the afternoon sitting on the grass which was the closest I could get to bleeding on the earth!

After dropping her off at the airport again, I drove home with some more clarity and sense of peace.. I played Peruquois and Praful new track which has moved me since the first time I heard it in concert..and sang and sang.. as I got closer to where he lives up the M40, I sank within deeper and sang louder and louder..pouring the lvoe that I feel out through the open windows...knowing he would hear..

This sounds as though it was painful today.. you know it wasnt.. I was beaming, smiling in gratitute for what I had received, what we had shared. I said thank you to the countryside we walked in, which I could now see across the motorway..thank you for all the sights, smells, new places we had explored..the new depths, the love that we had shared.

I love and so I let go... love has to be free.. a mother lets go of her children when they old enough to leave home... to prevent them would not be loving and would prevent them growing... To hold on to love that is not free will quickly turn that love into something not true and resentment.

I saw today that he did not have a choice really in leaving.. on some level, he knows he has his own journey to take and I have mine too. For either of us to try to stifle the others' journey out of willfullness would be dishonouring of the love we shared. There is a divine plan in all this.. I trust that. And there is a man who can reflect to me as deep and even deeper.. Now although I have seen this clarity before, this felt more 'concrete' for want of a better word.

Friendship? this I am not clear on yet, I am friends with another ex partner, but that has taken some time to pass to get to that place. However, I am more mature in consciousness now, would I be able to spend time and not get all caught up in emotions - I dont know?

As I drove past the town, I thanked again in love, blew a kiss, and then repeated the cd again and again... singing, shouting and visualising the cutting of all attachments and ties...welcoming the new.

MMMMM! X