2010 last day! Year end....

I am sitting here on the last day of the year 2010...amazing year of growth and learning..

Bad health, good health, friends leaving, saying goodbye to the Guru, new home, finding love, losing love, finding Mother Serpent, deepening in her power..

I am so grateful for all those that have supported me and shown me love in their reflections.

No more looking back...wasting energy...2011.... phew!

Namaste

XX

Musings on Love!

A foggy, misty day here in Worcestershire! The snow has practically gone, Milo flatly refuses to go out and hogging the settee, cosy by the fire. So we are both hibernating.

Musings at the moment amongst my friends with some familiar stories... man saying that he loves a woman but not IN love with her... Man saying 'just wants to be friends'...not ready etc etc... Woman feels these words so...much pain is caused. Same old cycles and patterns....

One of my male friends has just come through an experience and he has given me permission to share a recent email he sent me:

"The key learning is that it is an illusion for me to believe that Love only comes into my Life through a woman that I am in 'relationship' with. This belief as well as being untrue puts too much pressure on 'her' and expects her to live up to something that is impossible. Love is within me and all around me and I find it particularly easy to connect with in nature or in the creative arts such as dance and music. When I connect with this then the 'personal' Love that I may receive from another is like the icing on the cake, or a picture frame that brings out the beauty of a magnificent painting.

My old belief meant that once the newness and passion of a new relationship began to slip into the inevitable more familiar next stages of relationship there would be a voice within saying to me:

'"This will end, you will not find what you seek with this woman, so you may as well walk away. You are dishonouring her by being with her, you are just waiting for 'the one' and she is not 'the one'. A real man would walk away. It is unfair to be with her just till something better comes up. You cannot stay with her for fear of being alone. Leave her and do what you must. Perhaps the next woman will be 'the one'. "

Now, while the voice is true in that she alone will not give me what I seek, that is a Life of Love, it is untrue in leading me to believe that another woman will be able to. The children's story and countless sages tell of the 'Treasure Within' and while we spend our time searching the depths of the ocean and the highest mountains all the time The Treasure lies within. The Treasure of real Love lies within. The place where we refuse to look!!! Where I refused to look....until now.

It is clear that the myth of finding Love through our relationship with the opposite sex is sustained by society through Hollywood films etc.

I see that I do not need to cause us both pain by leaving something that is beautiful. I do not need to be so hard, so black and white. The journey of Love is not linear. It is not ends and beginnings. It is a dance. If one of us should meet another then so be it. We will share and talk and decide how to be with that if and when it happens. But I am not unconsciously or consciously seeking, waiting for 'the one' any more. My focus is on the Love within me and around me."


Insights indeed - thank you beautiful man..

As woman we also hold a 'romantic' view of love..hollywood style.fairytale story - expecting a knight in shining armour to collect us in his arms...take off with us in the sunset.. happy ever after! but weigh this up against the true yearning of wanting man to have the courage to lose his 'independance' and step right in... fully in... so painful when he doesnt, isnt able to for whatever reason.

Woman, we must take responsibility for our power...connect with Mother, nature, love that is us..without the need for physical man. Woman is love. However, when that man is physically there, to be soft, vulnerable and surrendered...giving him the space to be the man he truly is. Patience, tolerance, enouragement, humbleness, openness to what is..how it is, no matter how it looks... all part of learning, growth, human evolution.

Sales..Cooking...chilling..

Ventured out to the sales today.. lasted 30 mins! got what I needed and escaped the scrums!

Someone coming to visit later so busy cooking a meal.. lots of yummy things... looking forward to seeing them!

The guy I met on the retreat a few weeks ago cant come back to see me as he's in bed with flu - hmmm! bad timing... Although it was good to have that break after such an intensive time doing those practices...feel ready to go into them deeper! Looks like though, I will spend the rest of the 'holiday' leading up to my birthday largely on my own.. which is ok.. because I am determined to get my tax return done! :)

Birthday - what birthday..forget I mentioned it.. I aint getting any older...I'm staying the age I am thanks!

Namaste
X

Boxing Day!

Well this is a funny old Christmas to me this year... this is the first time in my life that I have woken up in a house on my own on Christmas Day..and I noticed it!

Although I am not Christian and really, it was just an ordinary day...it did feel weird.. I could hear next door all excited opening up their pressies...and could sense most of this side of the planet doing the same thing!

I decided to go to my parents after all - it felt right so I dug the car out and got over there for a few hours...was perfect and returned home before dark.

So today, boxing Day... and freezing outside... cant get warm! spent the day watching TV, dvd's listening to music and filing! yes filing! getting ready to do my tax return which is now on my list next to do!

Mulled wine on the stove... hey.. just heard more snow on Monday night! jeez.........!

Christmas Eve! All very quiet.....

Not feeling quite so meloncholy today.. went for an amazing walk with Milo..beautiful snowy scenes. Even tried out sledging..but you know, the snow is too deep, it kept getting stuck!

Meditation today was wonderful, surrendered and peaceful.

Next door really pushing me to join them tomorrow.. but its a big family! I feel that I 'ought' to try to get to see my parents..but they say they will worry about me driving.. what to do! (as Osho apparently used to say)

Wherever I will be will be the right place..

Enjoy everyone in this blogging world!

Namaste!

Xmas Eve Eve.....Healing thoughts..

Lots of snow still around here.... decisions to make about where to be on Saturday, if anywhere.  Parents dont want me to travel to them - it feels that I ought to be with family.  It will be only the 2nd xmas not seeing them - feels funny but practical!

Next door, landlord/farm have invited me to join in with the get together which sounds like a huge affair with lots of people ,food, and games - which I will love but...

Christmas just doesnt seem to matter really..

Explored the woods though for lots of lovely pine branches, holly, ferns and mistletoe to decorate my lounge!   Have to say I love it.. but dont think anyone will see it..sohave taken some pics - although they didnt come out very well due to the light.  But you get the idea!

Spent an hour or so meditating, doing cobra breath and chi gong exercises.. and sending healing/light  to someone I love who as far as I know went though one of their fears yesterday.  Very peaceful and beautiful space.

I changed afterwards into something nice for me...and tears suddenly appeared from nowhere.. the deep!  Coming again now... for loss of loved ones, lovers that have come and gone, family, my babies - suddenly occured to me that the first one would have been around 7/8 now, the youngest 2/3... ideal ages for enjoying the 'traditional family christmas'...    Is that what I still want?  Is it too late for that?  My parents lives would have been so different - I feel so much guilt.  Yes but, look at my life - am I really better off than the young couple next door with first babies Christmas, running a farm/holiday complex, following the family tradition, not breaking out of what is expected of them....  Lots of stirrings going on for me at the moment...  Just watching them go through...  I sigh!

Woh!

Namaste!

Solstice Greetings, Cobra breath Power...

Happy Solstice to you all!


No sleep at all for me last night..and this morning up and about for the eclipse at Sunrise - beautiful energy..didnt see anything as we had snow clouds over Worcestershire.

I did a Cobra Breath Meditation followed by some chi gong exercises - wonderful.    During my chi-gong exercise (working on my lungs), I saw in front of me a black figure, sitting crossed legged in yoga position...and it/he had a huge penis!  It glowed red and then it moved through the chakras upwards - turning into a flame as it went..right up through the Crown.  Powerful!

Phew! A surreal two weeks....

Havent written for nearly two weeks - feels like I've been in a time-warp as it only seems like a couple of days have passed!  But its been almost two weeks where I have done little 'paid' work,not slept much, havent done anything for xmas - not even bought a card! 

After connecting with a beautiful soul at the last retreat I did a couple of weeks ago, we have spent many days practising rituals, pujas, cobra breath exercises - very intense at times, with wonderful food, laughter and yes, a few tears mixed in as well!    I cant talk about it all too much but I have learned so much and experienced such beautiful energies..it is a journey I wish to go deeper into.    But now, back to 'normal' life at least for a few days until Christmas!

Christmas I feel is cancelled this year - I am snowed in now with enough food (hopefully) to keep me going for a week.  If I am honest, my thoughts have not been present entirely..I have been allowing my mind to wander into the past, past loves, past Christmas time and its shaken me the depth of sadness I still feel.  Pretty annoying too..but I wont beat myself up too much.  Life is the way it is...  I have food, (even some wine!) and enough paperwork, tax return and filing to keep me occupied for days!  That coupled with sledging albeit on my own will keep me busy and hopefully away from such meloncholy thoughts!  AHHH!  I also have you my dear blog!


Now for a cuppa!

Returning Home...phew....

Been away from home for over a week when I was only really expected to be gone a weekend!  Poor Milo has almost forgotten me I think.. but he seems pleased to be home too running around the frosty land with his mate Danny.

The scenary is stunning right now.. minus 12 and the trees are all dripping white..  and I have left my Camera in Wiltshire!   Still, reminds me to be present and in the moment..

A surreal week away, with new friends, lovely energies, new practices, meditations, Puja's,  sufi dance, yoga, wonderful food and play!  :)   So much to write that I cant write it...

I feel radiant and complete...

Namaste.

Lisa.x

Retreat! Snow..... Cobra!

Been a few days since writing but have been on a wonderful and powerful retreat.  Having arrived early to beat the snow following me down the country..  meet up with a lovely group of people, new energies and sharing.

Powerful exercises, rituals and yoga..deepening, and opening all.

The most powerful one for me following the cobra breath meditation...seeing the cobra entwine up my spine, higher and higher, evolving evolution.  Then deep in the blackness, but with almost a ultra violet essence to it...  I physically feel an elixir being poured into my throat, I can feel it go through my sinuses, down my thorax, and down.. and then feel it surging around my bloodstream..  Reminds me of receiving an anaesthetic, and that feeling of a loss of control over the body.  Once I let go of that thought.. i surrender into the bliss of this wonderful elixir, seemingly gifted to me by Mother Serpent and surrender to its effects..

The blackness, intermingled with ultra violet light, pinky hues...see a Kolidascope of circles going around and around, with one huge one in the centre.. spiralling around.    My Third Eye is burning..and the chemical is pouring down, metallic taste, silvery/mercury sense to it... 

A while later, felt that I needed to go and have a wee by the willow tree in the garden...  I can actually smell the chemical release and pour in to the Earth...  like a toxin being released.   Then later, the same again.. and then a bleed.  So much energy pouring through my body..feels like the chemical/toxin did removed some impurities..

Couldnt drive anywhere..very spacey, and the flow of energy strong through my body.    After packing my car up, checking of tyres etc... it felt right to stay!

Namaste!
X

Full moon approaching...bleed almost over..

Writing this late in the evening... there is a party going on in the hot tub outside!  A group of holiday makers enjoying themselves - so wont get much sleep for a while...

Full moon tomorrow and my bleed is almost at an end, almost in sync now..but not quite!   My astrology forcast suggests that I reflect back over the last few weeks..., analyse and discard any unwanted emotions, feelings, baggage that no longer serve.  Haven't I already done that?  I guess another layer is about to go!   The forecast also said that this might be the time for me to meet my soul mate!  Well, I thought I had done that too...I'm open to the new!

Positive energy all around..I take responsibility for the creation of my life.

Much to be thankful for..................

Sleepless Night....sooo tired!

A sleepless night..tossing turning.  this time not down to my breathing which is still much improved... who knows why!

Approaching full moon, my bleed, 'that mans' energy that is still managing to weave its way in to my dreamtime...I dont know.  I've read, I've meditated, listening to music, read my emails, had some tea and now writing this!

Feels like I have done a days work in my dreamtime...maybe I am working with him in a parellel universe!  Sooooo tired! 

Short and sweet (ish) blog this time...   Being drawn to my bed!

Freedom! Hair chopped, cutting of past energies...an epipheny

Had my hair cut yesterday which for those of you that know me better, can be a bit of thing.. I like my long hair..and what with illness, stress and a rogue hairdresser earlier this year...I've done nothing but moan about my hair for months!  Yesterday, went to a new one..who talked through it all, cut it so it looked better...and was reassured that it would all be ok again with a couple of months!  mainly due to the rogue hairdresser cutting too many layers in last time!   its actually very healthy!

So... feel so much better...and went out last night to a beautiful concert by Nigel and Carolyn from Dartmoor...  so lovely..I meditated a lot, sank in and watched the pictures of Dartmoor Stones and woods...with lovely thoughts of times past there, past loves etc etc.....

An epipheny mometn earlier whilst washing up of all things!   Hands in suds.. I suddenly thought...and said out loud.. F***... what a fool you have been woman!!   I suddenly had a flash of some of the discussions I had had with the ex, comments he had made and I had listened, accepted them and..stayed!  too long!   So compromising myself and my truth!  I deserved and do deserve better!  He is a good man, lovely, sensitive, adorable BUT not ready to be in relationship with me..it is possible for us to fall in love and not be able to stay together.. 

So...  had let him go already,, but now..even more cutting of the chords that tie...  no more shrines to love that has gone!  I love here and now..this moment....  wonderfully freeing...  went into the woods..  So different now that all the leaves are on the ground, still so beautiful and full of energy...  i slipped on my bum twice in the mud - in the same place.  Tinkering going on in there I am sure.   I took some new pics of the wood last week which I will post on here... some have spotten tree spirits in the photos..can you see them?  An amazing Yoni in a tree trunk too.....beautiful!

First Snow of the winter! Seaside trips.......

 A weekend in Devon with friends and a foraging walk - wonderful walk, learned so much..amazing how many 'greens' there are still to eat around..  So grateful for having learned about this group..     didnt get to go to the seaside this trip but did go to Dartmoor for a walk - bloomin cold but beautiful!  Dancing on Saturday night - trying to clear my head of thoughts and mitherings, endeavouring to be present and meet new people...bumped into a close friend of the ex  - bittersweet.  Brought up so many emotions!  I feel that we have a lot in common but there is that link to the 'past'...  the universe really knows how to play games!  Every time I cut a chord, release an attachment, something comes in to re do..


Today, a long drive today to meet up with my herbalist in North Wales.  Beautiful journey in the main, lovely Autumn colours, crisp sunshine but a biting cold wind.   Went through the highest village in Wales - there was snow on the road!!!  Only for a few yards..but still!   Snow on the mountains in the distance - beautiful!

And as Milo was so patient with me on the drive, and sitting in the car on the Tesco's car park for a while...I took him to the beach for a run!  Lovely!

From CT Scans to Foraging Weekends!

Had my CT scan today - weird sensation.  Being injected with this dye..could feel it surging through my body - warm but had no control over it.  Really disconcerting senstation - of not being in control of something in my own body..  The actual x-ray side of things didnt bother me - but the dye left me feeling a bit out of it and toxic. 

Anyway, feel like times has raced this week - gone so fast.  I've not slept much, tossing and turning with unwanted dreams.  Mainly of love that is no longer here physically - each day, I cut the chords, chop the ties and each night, they get re-attached in dream world.  A sister thought that maybe I am working with that person on some other level..maybe? 

So, off down to wonderful Devon again this weekend, to visit friends for some loving and a forage walk to discover (hopefully) some new plants and mushrooms!   Back soon.

Surrendering and release...power for renewed growth.

1st November, Samhain yesterday...auspicious turning of the wheel of the year.   Letting go of that which has outlived its fruitfulness so that its decay can release back into the earth, nutrients that will power next Spring's renewed growth.

Thats where I feel I am..  saying goodbye to the ex who had been looking after Milo for the weekend...love still strong and energy connected..but  now is not the time..his journey of discovery taking a different road.  As I said goodbye, I re-cut the chords that had been connected during his visit, could feel the oxycotin hormone going through my body, so visualised it travelling down my spine, through my Yoni into the earth... 

I then sat in my own couldron for a while (Hot tub!)... meditating in the darkness, with the warmth of the water and the soft bubbles releasing energy all over.  Bliss.  Sat in front of my Goddess Altar before sleep, I again, cut and cut all attachments, opening to the new, and welcoming in Life.  Magical time of year.

Dreamt of us being passionate together all night - which felt like it was undoing all my detaching work!  Made me laugh this morning!  So, constantly having to re-check where I'm attached, letting it go...  about to go into the woods, very misty this morning.. Perfect!

Surrender..Love..Truth of Life.

A sister sent me this poem yesterday.. such truth!  

I will love you unconditionally.
Every day I will let you go.
You are free my love.
...Where so ever you tread
I will love you.
In whoever's arms you may lay
I will love you.
Whenever you come to me
I will honour every moment
as a gift of new-ness
unexpected.
I will hold you in my arms
as if it were our first time.
My heart is ever open.
There is only Love.

~Yuri Leitch ~

This says more about what is occuring in my life right now than anything else I could write....

Yay! Breath still 'quiet' and I feel amazing!

Wow!  My body just feels so amazing right now.. I hadnt realised how weak/low it had got!  I'm still getting out of breath when going up stairs/up hills. but its significantly better..and hardly any coughing or husky voice!  Unsure whats made the difference, stricter diet with the added avoidance of tomatoes and onions or the herbs that I've now been taking for two weeks!  Whatever..I love how my body feels...so much so, that its a shame I have no one to share it with right now!

Just been on another walk with the dogs through the countryside.. amazing clear day, with sunshine and blue skies..the autumn colours so striking - it feels like I am in Spain or somewhere.   3 buzzards circled the woods and kept swooping into the valley below..I felt like I wanted to soar with them!   Hugged my sacred trees, sending love and light to my beloved.   I am so thankful to be alive!  My heart is open and singing loud....

Quiet Breathe! Air filled lungs....aahhhh!!!

What a delightful day!  Sunshine and being able to breathe in a way that I havent felt for so long!  The steroids have I would say kicked in and although no longer taking them, it will brilliant today to be able to walk fast through town, up hill, breathe deep in my belly and 'listen' to my almost silent breathing!  Amazing!   I went for a big walk with the dogs....soaking in the last of the days sunshine...and expressing delight at everything.

Earlier today I went to a family funeral..I'm not religious but my mother is..  We sat together in the crematorium, she singing, praying and crying...I closing my eyes in remembrance of a cousin that used to 'look after me' when I was small.  In later years, we used to bump into each other at car boot sales and compare our bargains...  I watched the outpouring of grief, sadness, tears as we stood outside afterwards, my mum comforting her niece as she sobbed on her shoulder.  I hadnt seen my mum taking that role before - it was weird watching.  I loved how she held her niece tight..  the energy seemed to go through my body into the earth.  Phil - I think of you with gratitude and a smile.

To end the day, I am typing this and it feels so good to not hear my breathing being so laboured...  I choose deep, clear breath.

Loving connections, Foraging Feast and re-connections...

Had an amazing weekend away..with friends 'old' and 'new'...  Was wonderfully held and loved by man which enabled me to reach a depth in loving that I have not had for a while now in a physical way.  I felt the clearing and release of emotion and past that had built up inside as he moved and we surrendered to the depth of loving.  I left feeling more 'woman', lighter, and enlivened..

The Foraging Walk was brilliant - a few hours exploring woods by the coast with a bunch of great people and two very knowledgable and interesting leaders..  Learnt such a lot and managed to bring home some Porcelain mushrooms and Cep Mushrooms - apparently very sought after!  both were delicious in my tea tonight!  Will definately go down to do some more work with these guys.   www.eatweeds.co.uk http://www.foragingcourses.com/

Then returning home last night, to meet up with Milo who had been taken care of by my ex..they had had a wonderful weekend together with loads of walks - wearing Milo out - which is much appreciated!  Bittersweet meeting..  so wanted to not have feelings for him, but of course I do still.  He treated us to some supper which was delicious and he opened up a lot - he is certainly on a journey of his own right now.. and its right that he is on his own to do it.. So much opening up, releasing of the past and letting go.. moving on in so many ways.  Obviously there is sadness that I am not part of it, but really touched by how he is opening to life, trusting life more..and grateful for the part I did play in his opening to the journey.

I have to trust life too..of course She know what she is doing!

Herbs, Steroids..exes!

Another crappy nights sleep - its been ages since I had a good nights sleep..  last night though, I had a temperature,headachy and thoughts of exes!  bah!

Taking some herbs prescribed to me by a herbalist...and then starting a weeks course of Steroids..couldnt stand the sstruggle to breathe and cope with no sleep any more.  feel a little disappointed in myself as I feel I ought to just go with the herbs and get through it..but...  the steroids are only for a week!

Met with the ex last night to give him Milo to look after for the weekend whilst I am away...bittersweet meeting.  Still as gorgeous to me as ever, I still love him!  Bloomin annoying - it would have been perfect to have not felt anything when I was with him..so hard!    Hes shifting loads, moving, going through lots of past death stuff..he needs to the journey on his own I see that.. 

So up early..going to pack my stuff, get ready for the drive down to Devon...  a weekend of loving, friends and foraging!  I'm going on a foraging course during my stay - cant wait!

Update..vegan and gluten free pizza heaven!

Been a few days since I last wrote.. had a wonderful picnic... with hamper, blanket - all the works..  My friend had prepared some amazing delicious food and we lazed in the sun - blissful.  He is such good company, makes me laugh and treats me well...just a shame that I am not drawn to him in any other way!

had a couple of days working on a project - really got me back into the 'world of work'...frustrations with pc's, servers, and salesmen!  Couldnt sleep last night, kept tossing and turning over bits and pieces...dont need to go down that route again..but no matter how I tried to relax, meditate, read, whatever, the thoughts of work crept in.  Amazing how quickly it can take me over again...good job its part time! 

Tonight, went to see eat, pray love film again (second time) - although a lot of people slate it, I enjoyed it both times.. and in fact would go and see it again!  Love the story - must get the book..makes me want to go on a quest again.   Tonight though followed the cinema with a wonderful Italian restaurant that serves vegan and gluten free pizza's...ahhhh!!! heaven indeed..

tomorrow seeing the ex for the first time in months to give him Milo for a few days - hes looking after him for me whilst I go away on a foraging course.  Not sure how I feel about the prospect of seeing him again, nervous, excited...mmmm...trying to be just here and now!

Life is Short! Melancholy!

I've spent all morning dusting, hoovering, clearning, baking...feels good in my little cottage but cant help feeling just a little bit melancholy.  Swaying to some gentle music as I type this - quite frankly yearning for my lovers arms to be wrapped around me, swaying with me!

I watch as I dip into lonliness, sadness, yearning.. and then a shake...a shudder of my physical body.. to be fully here, now, present and alive!  I can close my eyes, right now.. and sink, sink into the depths of blackness..and can experience both bliss and despair..simultaneously it seems.

A friend is coming around for lunch and we going to a gig tonight - wonderful, and looking forward to it..but my mind comes in with 'this is the ex's fave band, his friend really, how will I feel tonight'   ...bah!  Tomorrow, a guy I recently met is treating me to a picnic somewhere - hes cooking some vegan food especially - I feel like a princess when I think about that... only thing is, he's not my beloved...

You see, black and white, darkness and light, positive and negative...sadness and happiness..illness and health.  All part of life, the divine plan..  wonderful really...human experience....

I promise I will remember!  

Diagnosis (ish), Magical moments, feeling my old 'master'

A few days again since I last wrote...  my doctors have finally said that they feel that I probably do  have relapsing polychondritis..which is an auoimmune problem, where I am attacking my own cartlidge.  Not a nice condition, its progressive for which there is no 'treatment'.  However, I know that on some level i created this condition so I truly believe that I can reverse it.. A life of relieving drugs and drugs to combat the side effects of those drugs I am sure is not the answer.  Whilst i await the various scans to access the progress of the disease, I will go in and love it through, release whatever issue, trauma or emotion I have taken internally.    Being more stricter on my vegan diet, having an 'alternative' body scan next week and just know that the right practitioner, path will show itself.. at the right time.

Yesterday, after being with the Doctor's, I met a 'new' friend at a country pub (yes ok a date!),  it was a stunning day so we sat outside, clear blue sky, hot sun showing the autumn colours in the trees.  The river was swollen from all the recent rain and above us for most of our lunch, was a group of buzzards, circling around, crying to each other..  stunning next to the clear blue sky.  Magical, Magical...  really showed me how blessed I am to be alive...  (the date?  well nothing romantic there but a great new friend that lives locally!)

I re-arranged the furniture in my cottage today.. like I wanted to 'start afresh' you know..  and cleared out the boxes that I had been hiding behind the sofa.  These were my last 'master's books...some of them very personal to him which he has left here as he lives abroad now.  As I took them out, and looked at them before putting them onto the bookshelves, each one brought to my mind a picture of him, our time together,..how blessed I am to have had that..how honoured I am to look after his books.. I plan to read many of them over the coming winter months.

Sacred Wood Pics...following heavy rains!

Potent Planet Mercury...how different do I feel!

Wow...  I don't recognise myself compared to where I was last week...  So much stronger, centered, together, and well... determined or focused maybe is a better word!

Although breathing issue still there, I can do things. walk, talk to people, get on with life!  Released so much it feels...  just had my feet done by a podiatrist... amazing similarities between us.  Similar age, similar story, partner left her on Good Friday.. so many couples I have heard split up on that day!  What was going on in the planets on that day!  Good connection anyhow...possibility of joining local women's group in the next village...well an excuse for a girls get together in the pub! 

A couple of days ago, was talking to a friend and admitted my constant longing, unreal thoughts, in both waking and sleeping moments...  it was good to get it out how I feel.  Nothing to be done with it, its fine and the next day, breathing is better!  coincidence or the Vitamin D working, hormones balanced out after period, had a virus???  healing crises to a treatment I had?  who knows??!!?? 

Astrologically, Mercury is coming into play right now... so getting our acts together, bringing us ingenuity on a stalemate situation which shows a way through, confidence, positivity, inspirations...oooo all good, all good...

bring it on!

X

Breathing again....amazing!

At last, my breathing has improved to the point that I can at last return to my sacred woods...what a blissful few hours this afternoon.  Reconnecting with the trees, the stream..noticing the leaves slowly changing colour, plentiful mushrooms and some walnuts as well...Yum!  It seems like weeks since I was able to climb up the hill to them..but the lakes have kept me well  nourished - they are nice and flat!  This morning was amazing..the mist from the lakes was circling around..wonderful.  Will get some photos when the opportunity arises next time.

The Medical Enigma continues as my GP/Consultant research things further..nothing I can do now on that front until my meeting with them next week.    In the meantime, I am more strict on avoiding animal proteins and last night had a wonderful vegan pizza after watching the film Tamara Drew.  Very funny..but the pizza made the evening.

Ok...this is a quick write up... going to crack these nuts, and eat some wonderful food!

Friends, warmth..a hug or two!

Phew...  what a ride that past week has been!    Awaiting a call from my doctors to ascertain what the next step is...but having spent a nurturing weekend with a friend, allowing him to do some odd jobs, listening to each other, sharing stuff..crying gently and having a few hugs, I feel so much more centered today.

My bleed is here and its nicely flowing, I have a client meeting later and I have some sort of  fluid 'plan' about what it is I need to do..or not do about many aspects of 'my' life.....

awwwwwww........I have a plant by my pc and one of its branches hangs over my screen.. a beautiful spider, is delicately crawling across it..its reached the end..and drops down onto my keyboard, then my Ipod, then my phone...  disappearing somewhere over my desk... beautiful!     One step at a time, tackling each seeming obstacle in its path..no worries!

mmmmmmmmmmm!

Vulnerability..surrender....

A while since I last wrote...largely due to just about keeping it together..   My breathing now is very bad..and was awaiting news of whether I could have a ct scan to check out my throat...but the answer was no..a bronchoscopy was the only way.   all my instincts and other people with RP (relapsing polychondritis) are saying dont go there as the test can make things worse..and a ct scan is just as good..  So  a visit to my own GP again who agrees with me and now I await to see what is the next step.. so frustrating.

On the one hand, this is just my body..the vehicle and in truth, 'should' not identify with the weaknesses, aches and pains etc.. but when it comes down to your actual breath...this is so hard to do.  As we need to breathe every second..its not something, I can forget about really..it has an impact of every aspect of my life!

Of course, full moon, equinox, solar flares, my coming bleed all playing their part in this...all good really..but feels like I couldnt really cope with much more..feel very vulnerable.  would love a cuddle!

I have some employment law bits to work on though for next week...so work hanging in there..just!  Theres even potential of an office on the ground floor..or work from home with a new project... so yippee!  Tomorrow I will try to get Milo out (hes been restless bless him being on so many shorter walks)...in to the woods... healing woods...

Last night the sky was amazing.. it was really calm here...beautiful skies.. but everything was eeerily quiet, the birds suddenly stopped their singing..and in the distance, you could see flashes of lightning.. but no sound or any rain..weird.   Its been on the local news today, as so many people thought the same.

So..short and sweet tonight...  going to get some nourishing food and bunker down....

Love..

3am hot drinks...visiting virtual world and rare diseases.

Yet another night of disturbed sleep...woke up struggling for breath again and a really annoying cough..sure next door can hear me so get up for a hot drink..that helps a little..  Its now 4.30am.

Since my last blog entry, I've been in contemplative mood and have gone through many realisations about myself, my relationship with Mother...my birth mother, adoptive mother, absent birth father etc etc....  connections with trauma at early age etc.... all ok and real..recognising that maybe I have some more layers to explore....

On a more physical level though, my breathing issue has become so chronic, I have been re-exploring my medical history and fear that the suspician last year that I might have Relapsing Polychondritis might well be the cause of the breathing stuff.   I shake my head... because in labelling it, even like this, is like establishing it..  Its a terrible disease where the immune system attacks the bodies cartlidge..last year, my ears started having symptoms..but at the same time I had a cancer scare so decided to tackle things with diet... I went vegan. and that seemed to sort everything out..BUT my breathing issues remained... and have gradually got worse and worse.

The consultant last year said to me...you would be so unlucky to have RP, its so rare..I dont think you can have it...  I remember at the time thinking, yeah...well that sounds like me!  But there was no way I would have taken the drugs that people with this are put on.. so I didnt pursue it and went a  different route.

Anyway, having read up on how RP affects the trachea/larynx, I have to say I am displaying classic signs and that is depressing!  There is no cure..and prognosis dire BUT I also know that we create our dis ease..adn I am sure I can reverse this.. it feels like I am getting close to the root cause, adn thats why my breathing is getting so bad... its like its last fight!

I am tired, just sighed heavy and held my head!  NOOOO!  I wont be defeated...  So to be practical I am seeking advice on what medical tests I need from other sufferers and going to go back to 100% veganism..I have no choice.  I already have some 'alternative' tests lined up over the next few weeks and will continue with my usual routines s much as I can...  tai chi, meditation, getting into the woods no matter how hard it is getting to get up the hill! 

If anyone knows of any 'out there' practitioner, healer, therapist, psychic, therapy, diet..whatever, that comes to to you as a possible lead for this, I'd appreciate hearing about it..    So far, the right practitioner has come through at the right time over the last year or so... they all seem to be quirky, different in  some way.. but each has taken me to a new level of understanding of my body, emotional stuff etc...  your bog standard 'therapist' doesnt seem to cut it with me anymore....  

oh joy!    I do love life!  I do want to breathe!   I do want to be here!  I DO!

Despair, Sinking, dark places,...Sleep.........beautiful day today!

Yesterday evening I went into this dark place, revealed a dark side..one that isnt real, one that wishes to hurt, one that wishes to be noticed and soothed...  I was alone, feeling sorry for myself, trying not to anticipate another sleepless night of breathing problems...

I didnt help myself consciously, instead, I had a glass of wine...so the wrong thing to do.. for it only assisted in my spiralling down into more despair and negativity.  A friend skyped me and in the middle of our conversation, I switched the computer..wanting her to worry about what had happened... it felt good but immediately I knew that was so unreal...and felt sick that I could even think/do such a thing..  dark side revealed herself!     I have been stopping myself crying for fear that it would only make my bloodshot eyes and breathing worse.. but this time, i didnt stop it.. I cried and cried, releasing all the 'crap' I'd held in..

I threw the rest of the wine away, switched off the comedy dvd's, that were supposed to be 'cheering me up',  ate something to soak up the alchohol and sat outside under the half moon...then lit the candles on my altar and meditated...became more centred and real with myself.

In preparation for bed, I propped up loads of pillows to enable me to sit up in bed to help my breathing, lit a candle, got a hot water bottle, prepared a hot drink in a flask for the night and decided to take half a sleeping tablet that my doctor gave me last year.  I hate the feeling of 'losing control' when taking such a drug... but I hoped it woudl relax me and my windpipe/lungs enough to enable me to get some sleep...  I drifted off watching the half moon sink out of the window frame.

I awoke in the early hours to Milo howling at the phone ringing..it was a friend, a guy that I have become close to..he was concerned about me..worried that I might choose to stop breathing again.. and die...   We talked for ages, me propped up in bed, I cried some more, released some more stuff, admitting that my  body aches and aches...  He loved me through in his own way...and I fell to sleep gently.

The sunshine through my blind awoke me this morning...everything looks brighter of course.. blue skies..although cold.  I feel like I have been hit by a bus..but at least my eyes have gone back to their clear white..and slowly my body is releasing its tension and coming back to me.   My breathing is still bad, my throat seems so closed...but I know that the last lot of work I;ve done on it went deep.. and it will take gentleness and time to integrate... I dont want it dampened down or calmed.. I need to heal this..whatever it is....

Sleepless Night, Hackers, Calming Wood....Collective Ascension

Well had a very restless night..started off great with a relaxing candlelit bath, lovely music, early to bed..but then woke about 3am as I couldnt breathe again...  so got up for a hot drink and switched on the laptop..  to discover that someone or something has hacked into one of my email accounts and sent spam emails to some of my contacts!  Great!  So spent the next few hours changing all my passwords, writing emails to those effected and virus checking my pc...

So, today, bloodshot eyes, headachey, feel like I have been hit by a bus..  so a restful day for me today.. 

Did venture into the woods with the dogs though..briefly.. lay my spine against one of the straight trees at the entrance and sank in..  felt much better... came home and spent ages under the shower....allowing all 'stuff' to drain away...  bliss!

Was talking to someone I know down in New Zealand where they are experiencing earthquake aftershocks at the moment.. amazing energies abound..shuddering and surrendering each time one occurs...  she noted that the shocks came as it was getting dark..and maybe it was connected to the collective consciousness of people in the area... all linking in to fear.. all facing the dark.. mmmm...

In todays news over in the UK, I noticed that the media are doing a great job stirring up fear amongst the masses by hinting that London is overdue for a major earthquake.... 

How I see it, earth is changing, transforming herself for the new..things will continue to happen now at faster rates...all culminating towards 2011/2012...the cosmic waves coming through will inevitably shift things, maybe in a way that may seem a disaster...BUT its how we view such changes as the key.. if we dont fear...face these changes consciously and know that its all part of a cycle, all for highest good..then we wont see such devestation... we might even collectively ascend!

Thought I would write a quick blog here, just set going my bread machine for the first time that someone has lent me, and have picked some fruit to make some pies at some point....   when I sign off though.. might just go back to bed for a wee while or even curl up in front of a dvd!   ah! either way.. here I come.....

Autumn moves in....saying goodbye to summer..

Not been sleeping well the last few nights..combination of breathing issues, and general energy stuff going on.. but been watching the half moon gently cross the sky.

There is a definate change in temperature now, the winds are cold, no hint of hot weather returning so I guess its almost time to pack away those summer tops and dresses..  this is what I plan to do this weekend, together with my tax return!  oh the joys of single life!  I smile!      Saying goodbye to the summer...its certainly been a hell of a ride once again..

the leaves are still green, the fruit on the tress still ripe for eating but now turning mouldy and shrivelled from all the rain..  mushrooms abound though.. I am loving the fact I can go off into the woods and discover some fresh ones for tea each day... 

This morning, went for some blood tests..my arm is aching now but at least I didnt faint!  my GP had been sent a note re my collapse/crash team incident in hospital a few weeks ago.. so I wasnt allowed to leave their care today, for a good half hour.. to assure them I wouldnt repeat things on them.  funny.. this time, I took my own ginger biscuits with me in case of emergency!

A client came for a treatment who suffers from MSA, which is similar to Parkinsons..  she wont be regular, she is just a visitor on the farm..  but she was so 'into' her disease and how it effects her daily life... the only respite she says she received was when she was asleep..  she was probably 'off-loading' to the 'therapist' here but it was shocking how low she was in energy....  I see that the mental attitude is so important to overcome such conditions...  I must remember that when I start to get down about my breathing stuff..

you know its so quiet here...  all i can here is the tap of the keyboard...and the whirl of the laptop

I have some 'work' to do, some employment law stuff but finding it hard to get the motivation...should try to do some before my next massage client..

Sacred Woods...Cosmic Waves

A friend has been with me for a few days and we have been in the woods by my cottage for some hours.. exploring and connecting with mother..  I attach some more pics of new trees found.. one of which my friend named the 'bliss' tree... its the one where two trees are joined at the trunk as if in divine union, lovemaking...

today, I awoke feeling very toxic and went for a walk with the dogs into the woods..  I shared the Ilahinoor with my friend which seemed to integrate some of the cosmic waves being experienced at this time..my headache lessened and my eyes felt like they had been cleaned!

When I did the movements around my friend, she lay against the trunk of a tree.. and I saw how she merged with the tree trunk..allowing the energies from cosmos to come down through her body into the earth.. amazingly powerful...and potent.

Still no sleep, toxicity, healing crises? cosmic waves?

a funny few days really, been feeling very toxic, headachey, achey joints, lethargic and my breathing has become worse and worse..  last night, slept with numerous pillows propping me up..helped a bit..  Today, felt a bit better, but everytime the sun came out, and I sat in it.. the nausea, headaches returning with a vengeance.  couldnt decide if I was having a healing crises after some treatment earlier in the week,whether it was a virus or just a reaction to something environmental or diet...

I was sent a link today to the eruptions that have taken place on the sun two days ago... apparently, these are the first ones that may be felt by earth..  maybe I have been picking up on these waves.. certainly, feeling that  the energy from the sun is strrong at the moment.

Anyone else feeling these at all?

No sleep, shattered...

My chest has been really bad last night.. felt as if the whole sky was laying on my chest stopping me breathing..

so got up at 4am... had a hot drink and watched the light come through...not the sun come up..its raining..

Festivals, Friends, Fun....

Its been a few days since I last wrote as I've been away visiting friends and attending the Rivenstone Festival..

The Festival was beautiful with some amazing musicians/bands, good food, and beautiful people...  the weekend was a mixture of emotions; with joy and tears - both of sadness, and joy mixed with gratitude at the sheer beauty of the energies, poetry and music being played.

Dartmoor is a special, sacred place..and I am drawn to move down there.  I walked the land and felt so at 'home' amonst the moss, trees..misty landscape.

As I write this the hughest spider has appeared!  I tell you its as big as my hand!  I have grown more accepting of spiders in my space, gently catching them in something and letting them go outside..but they still give me a bit of a scare.   have to go and sort this one out...

Autumn around the corner...misty woods...skipping!

What an amazingly beautiful morning here in the Teme Valley.....

The sun is watery, clear blue skies, and a mist rising from the valley's....surrounding everything in mystery...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Just come back from walking in the wonderful woods..magical.. sunlight filtering through the trees...  lay against one of the oak trees and it was like she was holding me, nurturing me into her breasts....  I then lay my spine against another..and again, ecstatic energy flowing through.... so amazing to feel and breathe..  (yes i said breathe..)   and then I shared my blood with the moss, the bark, the forest floor....sweet.

and..you know what I did today... I skipped... skipped through the woods.. laughing...  I felt so free... and in love.. with life!  havent done that for such a long time..since I was little girl...  wonderful, awesome, magical....

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

More Letting Go... to the inner master..

Not sure whether this entry will get posted..we will see.  Yesterday, I spent the day at satsang with my 'once' master/teacher/lover,,,beautiful day of wonderful truth, reconnections with some 'old' faces and making connections with new ones too.

I love him and love the truth that he speaks, I honour him and am so grateful to have shared this amazing journey with him..  I have grown, and deepened also and whilst we could easily have made love, there was a knowing that that was not necessary, that I didnt see or feel the depth of presence, and that his physical body was so tired and weak.     Sharing in that way would not serve me or him at this time...I hesitated as my old pattern is one of 'holding on', doubting my knowing..and of course, I would have loved the physical touch from man and I at first said yes...but then reluctantly acknowledged to myself that that was what it was, and that it wouldnt be responding to what I know to be real.  


So, in true 'lisa' style when he left, I paced and watched as the voices argued with each other in my head..until I laughed out loud.  On the one hand, I knew that I had come into my own power more and had responded to my knowing of what will serve.., and another was..oh my god, what have you let go of, why wouldnt you, have you made a mistake bla bla bla.....

I sat in front of the Goddess Altar, the same Goddess that we had made love in front of many years ago...  I closed my eyes and sank into the blackness..the voices disappearing and acknowledging the inner master..  letting go of an external expression of the master, teacher, guru..

So I wake up today and there are no regrets, just a thankfulness that I/we responded to what was real in the moment..  I feel more that I have come into my own power, my inner master...and we will have served not only my true self, my body, his body, but the whole..  wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! 

I will still practice The Form, may even go to retreats, satsang... it is now time to serve the whole, be true to my purpose of being here at this time.

This entry has been posted public..I sat with it...  nothing is personal..  the whole purpose of writing this blog is to share the journey...if I left out some of the more intimate aspects, then that wouldnt be real or honest..  at the same time though, I am conscious of where I speak of another..  I will only share what is within me..not my projection of another.

A little footnote here... the english language is limited...for words are clumsy and inadequate...  there are no words to describe source, consciousness, truth....  so go beyond particular words..into the energy behind the words.....   

Aches, Pains, Nature and pig massage!

Not sure what to entitle this entry?  Anyway, after sitting in satsang with Bernie Prior last night, went home with the onset of a migraine/headache thing...it continued all night and this morning when I awoke, I felt like I had been hit by a bus!  The back of my neck was so painful...  a friend of mine who I spoke to later was experiencing the same thing...

So, I took the dogs into the wood, and allowed myself to be held by the trees, placing my spine and head against the bark, and closing my eyes.   Feeling the pain intensify and seemingly get worse..  So I sat and just listened to the birds and the water in the stream, noticing butterflies and ladybirds going about their business.

As I left the woods, I picked some peppermint for some tea and felt much better but tired.  Going through the orchard, one of the pigs started to follow me and nudge me gently (freaking Milo out!), until I stopped, and she lay down asking me for a massage - I obliged and she drifted off into pig dream land!  Beautiful Lady!

I've just opened my door to the sunshine, and there are loads of butterflies on the last of my buddlia.  I am so grateful for life.

I had a brief conversation with someone from the farm today...he was joking (well half joking) about his relationship wtih his wife...saying that he had had to cook his own breakfast etc...  I cant remember what I said but he looked at me..and said, there is no magic in our marriage any more....  that hit me..and I replied, well its up to you to show your wife, love her.. and he replied.. no, I have given up!    God, so sad... these comments were made in jest but there is a seriousness to them too....  they are from a different generation, where making do, just 'living' a day to day ..well just existing!   the whole thing really struck me...how different I am endevouring to live and demand....

Emerging..Sunshine at last!

Still been a strange few days energetically.  Went for a drive yesterday and it was as though someone else was driving...really floaty/spacy.. so took it easy!  Slowly though, I have come more and more back into my body.


Awoke at 3am, full of energy, aware that my body is awaiting its bleed..enabling me to come more into my body phsyically.  Loving words received via en email that I couldnt resist opening at that hour...enveloping me in warmth and 'yumminness' that enables me to go back into dream land easily..namaste!

So today, there is sunshine at last..after days and days of grey skies and rain, the sun is welcome.  I have walked with the dogs into the wood, embraced the trees and felt their heartbeats merge with mine..amazing and nourishing.   Tai chi and vocal yoga under the canopy, with droplets gently falling on me, refreshing, as if nudging me to keep present and in my body.

Have you ever stood under a canopy of trees after rainfall?  Stand there, arms outstretched to the side, and lift your head back... allow the droplets to fall down and gently touch you wherever they want to go.  Open your eyes and watch them.. its beautiful!  They can sometimes hit you in the eye and make you jump, laugh, even cry..  I imagine that they are little balls of wonder being tossed at me by elementals, fairies, angels, tree spirits etc..   wonderful.

Am I here?

Funny day..feels like Autumn has prematurely appeared..the full moon hidden behind grey clouds, its cold and windy..the fruit in the orchard is falling on the ground.

Although functioning just, I am aware I am going about my day as if I am hidden behind some sort of veil.  Even when other people talk to me, its as though it takes ages for their words to actually make any sense...typing this..seems like my hands are there..but they are miles away..

Walking in the woods today with Milo, it felt like I was walking on a few inches of air..not actually touching the earth..but I could feel the solidness and the softness of the bark of the trees...I savoured that.

Maybe, I am still coming back into my body after yesterdays blackout..maybe the moons energies are touching me deeply...  whatever, I surrender and leave this virtual world to allow fully.

New connections, Exploring...blackouts!

Not written for a while..been exploring a new connection with a beautiful, opening, young man that I met a short while ago...he has stayed a few days and its been wonderful to be 'seen', nourished and honoured by the masculine principle.  It is something that I needed at this time to remind me that man can see and love the goddess and adore pure femininity..  I have flowered!    Whilst neither of us can see potential for a 'relationship' in a romantic sense...we acknowledge that there is something that connects us in whatever way that unfolds..  

This morning I passed out at the hospital..I was just having a regular check up..and whilst the nurse was talking to me, I realised that I was starting to leave the body...  I started to heat up, voices echoing around..and sinking fast... but I fought it and asked for a biscuit or something to bring me back..  they didnt get chance..  the blackness came up on me suddenly and I just disappeared..

Its been many years since I have fainted (probably before I had my near death)..I have had some close calls. but this is the first time, I went all the way..since I experienced oneness, the absolute...  and you know.. it was a powerful experience.  Similar to going into the blackness through meditation say, but it enveloped me quicker..and I was not 'conscious' of entering the blackness.. 

Anyway... as I 'came back'... the jouney came back first through hearing voices again, and then faces peering at me and I seemed to be fighting something to get to the faces....it took me ages to make it through that tunnel and very painful!   Then I cried..realising I had disappeared but had come back!

A crash team had been called as I had stopped breathing for longer than the average faint.... I realised yet again, I had stopped breathing..  ironically all happened in the chest clinic, where they are looking at what is causing my breathing issues!   I go to tick the boxes and you never know they just might find something physical...but in truth I know..its down to me and my choosing on some level.

These wonderful bodies...my wonderful body.. that has been touched so beautifully, felt such wondrous beauty..with the power for health or creation of dis-ease...  AARRGGHHH!!!  Why do I keep wanting escape! 

New beginnings, openings..potentials...

Been quietly sitting with new potentials...looking through doors that are opening to me.... 

Magical, exciting, wondrous and a little scary too! 

Feeling what resonates the deepest...not having to make a choice..  trusting that I will be shown.

Live...Love....

Powerful women, flavours of dance, Kali!

Energies abound in the night...couldnt sleep and so it seems neither did some of my sisters!

Its amazing and humbling to share with sisters experiencing pain from what seems to be a loss of love, whether through separation, death or illness...  similar flavours of the same dance.    Its through this dance, ever deepening journey which is what allows us as women to reconnect with the source directly, feel and know that love directly with the beloved, regardless of the external play.    

We are truly powerful women!  We all have our own way of fulfilling this deep desire, to be fulfilled completely... and we truly already know that we cannot be separate from love for we are that.     I once lay next to the shell of the man that had once met me in divine union... the shape of the man was still there, but He was gone... it hurt, there was such longing for what had been, attachment to the past and unwillingness to accept what was in the present... for me, I lay in the darkness, placed my hand on my heart and abdoman, and breathed... breathed in love, consciousness and breathed out...closing my eyes and sinking into the sensation..I was not alone, I was never alone... I am love and connected to source directly...grateful to have had the expeirence of divine union..some never have or will ahve that direct knowledge!

And I have already written about connecting again through nature, through choosing a tree and melting into that that way...truly blessed we are!

however, we are in a physical human form, we are having a human experience..and we do feel emotions that need not be dismissed as in some teachings..  they are there to show us something real.. the difference is is that if we are conscious of what they showing us, then we dont get hooked into them or dwell/sink and lose ourselves in them.  Surely that is more real than denying that they even exist - which to me is another sneaky form of ego?

There are ways that we can love ourselves physically, in our human bodies;  it may be through meditation, music, dance, song, loving nature, hugging trees, healing, massage, sorting papers/files, cleaning windows, doing our nails, sorting our jewellery, gardening, making something....sisters, go now, write a list of everything you want to do... everything. on one sheet..not prioritise it, or put it into categories,,just list them.   And then take pleasure in going to that list when you have 'moments'  and choosing something to do off that list.... and then crossing it out when done!     Its wonderful and satisfying...

Onto where I currently am on this journey; I am being 'seen', being loved from afar, being pursued, being wooed...and it is wonderful!   My ears have not heard such devotion to She for a while...  I am also being seen as Kali..one that is capable of taking her knife of truth and dispensing with anything less with directness , honesty and love.  That is scary for man that approaches.. he must have the courage and strength to face her directly and be willing to die for She..  She is patient and surrendered.

I welcome and honour man that takes that step..

Amazing poetry, amazing truth..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=player_embedded

Whales. dolphins, realisations, healing...breath!

I have been on retreat for the last week or so, sitting with people I hadnt met before, discovering new paths, tools, flavours of dances...

for want of a better word, 'learning' something called 'Ilahinoor', brought through by a very humble man called Kiara.  It is an Energy transmissions that for me was as deep as 'The Form', which I have shared for years adn will contine to do so..  however, Ilahinoor is being shared in a very different way with humanity.  I will leave discussion of these for another time, but most significantly for me, was my recognition of a forgotten resonance with Whales/dolphin energy..

Kiara had an experience with a whale some years ago and he brings this into his work...  I remembered at the beginning of the week that I had been given a tape of whale/dolphin sounds when I was in hospital following my near death (13 yrs ago)..  I played that tape practically 24/7 for 6 weeks, continually meditating and experiencing so much on different levels of consciousness.  However, since then, I have never been drawn to play such music again.

That tape, took me in to such a calm, meditative state, that I was able to 'deal' with all that was thrown at me to clear at that time..  I took so much energy from the whales/dolphin communications...amazing!  How could I forget...I never said thank you!

At the end of the retreat this week, we worked in groups and I had the following realisation when it was my turn in the middle:

I went in, deep, into nothingness, blackness...easily.  ..I didnt want to breathe...just wanted to disappear and go home, into the cosmos...I had stopped breathing and it was wonderful..   however at some point, I was aware that the people around me had moved away and I knew my time in the session was over and I needed to move, and serve the others.  But to do that.. I had to take a breathe, return to my physical body and breathe again.. it was painful..   both the struggle to return, to breathe and come into my body and also knowing that I had a choiceless choice to return to serve...that was what I needed to do.

Its not the first time that has happened.. but I had 'thought' I had come through this and was accepting of the fact, I am here, in a body..and that I have a job to do.  but no, it came back.

I have unexplained breathing problems on a day to day basis...of course if I am not accepting that I am in the body, I am here.. of course I am having issues with this!  The others were saying, we want you here, come back, you have a job to do etc etc... I just shook my head and cried.


I was lead to lay down and not work on anyone else and I allowed my self to enter that nothingness again..knowing that the others were ok..  and it was amazing... I 'returned' (?) to the sea, was underwater, I could breathe under water..it was freeing...  and I danced with many whales, of different 'races', I could feel my own flesh and so enjoyed the breath underwater..    

At some point, I found that I had swum onto some land..half in water, half in the air.. and I struggled again..It was as though my flesh was transforming into limbs..and I slowly uncurled fingers, toes and could feel the sand underneath me...but each time, I tried to move..  I felt a hand on me, gently encouraging me to go back into the water...  and I surrendered to that...   that happened several times, each time, it felt I had evolved into another form, about to take the first moves and I would gently be pushed back into the water.

All this was new to me, I have never had a particular resonance with whales/dolphins and I cannot swim, hate having my head in the water... dislike boats..the lot!  However, there was such a clear message in all this, my reluctance to accept that I am here to serve in some way, the link with my own breathing problems etc.  I have never had suicidal thoughts and I would not choose  to leave this body that way...this is more a knowing that on some level, I can choose to leave and disappear..and that is tempting...but I also deeply know that I  need to be here in human form at this time.

So...I am inspired to go deeper into this water/whale connection - quite how as i cannot swim I dont know yet.  Maybe I dont need to.   I keep being told that I have a job to do, that I am needed..even this weekend several people said this and they hardly spent time with me..I shake my head at them..because I have no idea how to do this, what my purpose is.. I can only trust that this will become clear when the time is right...

If you want to know more about Ilhainoor or The Form, their websites are:

www.ilahinoor.net
www.bernieprior.org

still journeying..much to tell... but for tonight..Buzzard energy.

I was walking with a beautiful and opening  man yesterday along a river, through some fields..when we came across this bird of prey.. which I am thinking is a buzzard.  (perhaps someone can confirm?)

it stopped us in our tracks..beautiful, sacred moment..  we both gently touched the feathers, so soft... and a recent death, no sign of injury or being got at by other animals, just a few feathers scattered around..like it had fallen or something.

anyway.. I knew this was special..the wings fell around it like angel wings...that is what I was drawn to.. but my companion was drawn to its claws....powerful and strong message...   I really wanted to take its wings, but this was not practical so we said our own thanks and walked on..

I returned to collect it on my own today..it was quite a trek and I didnt really know if it was still going to be there..or what state it was going to be in.  It did seem like I/we had missed the moment..but I couldnt stop thinking about it.  It was there!  still lovely and special...  and now gruesome as it sounds, I have its wings and claws in salt drying out...  its wings spread out are magnificent...   I have never done anything like this before but I knew that I had to do it..myself..

The message of a buzzard is a symbol of death and rebirth, new vision, new beginning and purification of the mind and body.  It asks us to be patient with ourselves and be sure of how we feel before we enter the arena of our plans...  as a buzzard is patient when it tracks its prey.  It also acknowledges you are being noticed more for what you do rather than how you look, soaring above the difficulties of life.

It teaches us to use the sense of smell and discernment, and how to glide and soar with our own energy. it foretells of imminent changes.   It also teaches confidence and the ability to stand with dignity and soar with clarity and purpose. 

It is now time for me to soar above my own perceived limitations.     It is asking whether I am ready to assert actions from my ideas!

Thank you to that beautiful man for sharing in that moment...  the message of this is also for him too...     I wonder as he was drawn to the claws in particular, whether this is about 'grasping hold', taking the plunge, to dive for what he desires...as the buzzard dives for its prey...  masculine, powerful, purposeful, strength.... X

mmmmmmm!

amazing connections...realisations...flashes of inspiration...transmissions....

Yes, I have discovered there is internet access here.... however, endevouring not to get hooked in to this virtual world!

Seeing so many coincidences today...parallels... 

-talking of communing with whales/dolphins - my journey started with being given a tape of whale/dolphin sounds when I was lieing in hospital, strapped to my bed some 11 years ago...never played such 'music' since!  through to my ex visiting whales/dophins in the Azores.. to Nifer, a girlfriend doing exactly the same thing at this time!   What a gift these beings of the sea are......

-visits to crop circles, meanings etc..possibly acupuncture on mother earth... our (with ex) visit to the crop circle by silbury hill last year - I was very ill in the circle...  it was of a mayan headdress...my resonance with the mayan cultures, their prophecies,   to today discussions of that exact same circle, others..their possible communications etc etc

- visits to stone circles, sacred sites.. we have visited so many this last year...  together... and alone..  again,  all being brought up today in discussions...  allowing others to go on their journey..cannot guide etc etc

feeling my pain in seeing anothers faltering steps on their journey..and just being there to hold the energy from afar...or rather not even hold the energy.. just BE myself.. in my own power.. and let and trust life unfold!

sweet pain..sweet surrender...  I am being nutured here, with love, with touch, with beautiful food, countryside, fresh air and yes.. a hot tub!  Bliss!

Great to see more sisters reading, sharing my journey... please share yours too..

Disappearing..Travelling... Journeying...Re-discovering...

I'm disappearing for a while... travelling, journeying and re-discovering..

Lion, Goddess Sekhmet...

Just been reminded of the Goddess Sekhmet, linked with Lion...

she is closely associated with Kundalini..  She has a bad reputation, that of violence, blood lust, and sexual passion.  Represents death as well as powerful feminine sexuality.  She demands women to be in their power and not be afraid of judgement.

mmm... women were calmly putting their heads into the lions mouths...  practising...  courageous, showing their strength, power... facing their fear/demons..

Woods and healing

walked through the sacred woods today with Milo.. Hugged the 'mother tree' and felt her healing energy, soaking up and radiating it through my body. I sank in to the depths and could see myself standing there, holding the tree.. I could move all around, above, to the side.. all the while watching me hugging the tree.

Leaning my back against the tree, I asked for healing to my throat and for waht seemed like ages, just stood with arms raised, soaking in energy from above...in the sunlight coming through the leaves.

A new bird called in teh wood.. one that I had not heard before.. kept making me jump back into my body. I sat down facing the fallen half tree..milo lay down next to me and then just disappeared... Was aware of communing with beings, have had this before on retreat, but didnt stay with the phenomina, but danced with all beings, deities, all races..all one.

For this brief time, the sun was glorious on what is mainly a dull, grey day. warming my body, especially my throat... opening it wide, allowing the energy to travel all the way down to my yoni and then that opening wide too, allowing energy to flow from above to earth.. glorious.

On the walk back, I drank from the stream as Mother had asked me too, trusting her, and picked some peppermint to make some tea..

Lurgies, Dreams, Lions..

Disturbed night of feeling rubbish with sore throat, headache, runny nose....and many dreams..

The last dream stayed with me the most. I was sharing a house with the ex and his ex partner..all living together. He gradually got more distance until one day he said I must go..but she asked me to stay, that I was needed, that he would soften. He didnt, and as i was packing up my room, she was cleaning the windows repeating to me I must stay! Outside in teh garden, there was some sort of workshop happening..all these women were being trained how to put their heads into a lions head.. there were all these lions on the grass and the women were taking it in turns! Eventually, he came back to me (I was picking up cutlery off the floor) and said what will it take to help you leave....all the time, she was behind him saying stay... I woke up then, realising that there had always been three in the relationship, he had never stopped loving her, couldnt let her go..even though she had clearly moved on herself. He kept hold of her energetically and it had always been around...

So..if anyone knows of the significance of the lions etc, please let me know.. they feel significant!

I have delayed going off to Devon for another day... I feel unwell so will take it easy today, visit the woods maybe, and have one more night in my own bed before heading off...

Bleeding, nurturing, lurgies and dates!

Went really deep into my bleed yesterday.. the pain on this cycle was intense and really just wanted to be still and bleed on the earth..surrender to the pain and sink into it. I couldnt concentrate on any 'work', so re-arranged all my plants, pots etc and felt heaps better once I'g gotten my hands in the soil.

Got around to looking at the many emails/calenders I have about the astrological stuff this week..and apparently for all cardinal signs like myself, this period of time marks the beginning of a significant couple of years that will later be recognized as the beginning of a new chapter. Hmmm!! Fate will be expected to pull some more proverbial rugs from under more entrenched feet! (I am a capricorn goat!)... what more!?!?!? I have no rugs left to pull? mm. should i have said that?

So today, I woke up with a cold coming, my nose is all peppery, I have a sore throat and not really with it. Even so, I have done some errands on town, distributed some posters for an event/talk, chatted to a few people...and.. had a date! yes, a date! Nice enough guy but oh, I would so chew him up in pieces.. he was so painfully shy. Anyway, I practiced my 'leaning back', and had a lovely hour or so over lunch.

Of course, I have come back with thoughts of the ex again..no-one esle will match up..bla bla bla.... ugh! I wont listen to all this though...its so unreal.. moving on..

Festival..Heathrow Dash..Clarity again...

Cambridge folk festival was good.. discovered a couple of new bands that I enjoyed.. although overall, I found the whole experience hard going. In hindsight, perhaps it wasnt such a good idea..this was mixing in the scene that the ex was in..some of the bands he introduced me to were playing and I found myself thinking about him a lot..plus I started to bleed heavily whilst I was there... I do feel right now that I need to also let go of the circles/scene he moved in.

On the way home, I got a call for an emergency pick up of a friend that had become stranded at Heathrow.. and we stayed in a hotel togetehr overnight...and today, we spent the day sharing, talking and eating at a service station picnic area on the M40! My bleed allowing me to soften, and surrender more easily.. at times, the energy of the bleed today has been immense...stopping me in my tracks. We spent the afternoon sitting on the grass which was the closest I could get to bleeding on the earth!

After dropping her off at the airport again, I drove home with some more clarity and sense of peace.. I played Peruquois and Praful new track which has moved me since the first time I heard it in concert..and sang and sang.. as I got closer to where he lives up the M40, I sank within deeper and sang louder and louder..pouring the lvoe that I feel out through the open windows...knowing he would hear..

This sounds as though it was painful today.. you know it wasnt.. I was beaming, smiling in gratitute for what I had received, what we had shared. I said thank you to the countryside we walked in, which I could now see across the motorway..thank you for all the sights, smells, new places we had explored..the new depths, the love that we had shared.

I love and so I let go... love has to be free.. a mother lets go of her children when they old enough to leave home... to prevent them would not be loving and would prevent them growing... To hold on to love that is not free will quickly turn that love into something not true and resentment.

I saw today that he did not have a choice really in leaving.. on some level, he knows he has his own journey to take and I have mine too. For either of us to try to stifle the others' journey out of willfullness would be dishonouring of the love we shared. There is a divine plan in all this.. I trust that. And there is a man who can reflect to me as deep and even deeper.. Now although I have seen this clarity before, this felt more 'concrete' for want of a better word.

Friendship? this I am not clear on yet, I am friends with another ex partner, but that has taken some time to pass to get to that place. However, I am more mature in consciousness now, would I be able to spend time and not get all caught up in emotions - I dont know?

As I drove past the town, I thanked again in love, blew a kiss, and then repeated the cd again and again... singing, shouting and visualising the cutting of all attachments and ties...welcoming the new.

MMMMM! X